First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage... Stealing Hearts

Continuing the series
Today we are continuing a series on marriage and the family we are calling, “First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage…” I promised you from the beginning that it would not be your typical marriage series. Thank you for your many comments on the series.

We began by talking about the high esteem that God places on the marriage covenant and some of the biblical issues surrounding divorce. Next we warned about the danger of being success-driven and the potential impact on the family. Last week we talked about how simple mistakes and bad choices can spiral out of control if they are not dealt with. Today we are going to talk about another difficult subject.

Next Sunday, however, we are going to conclude this series by shining a light on the joy and blessing of marriage and family.

1-800-Flowers
Perhaps you heard the news over the last couple of weeks that begins simple enough: A man from Houston, Texas bought flowers and a teddy bear. They were sent to his girlfriend with the note, "Just wanted to say that I love you and you mean the world to me!" How sweet. The trouble is the flower company sent a thank you note for his purchase to his home – where his wife saw it. When she saw the note she called the company and said it must be a mistake because they didn’t purchase any flowers. Then she asked them to fax her the receipt, which gave her all the sordid details.

Now the husband is suing the flower company, 1-800-Flowers, for, get this, breach of contract. He says that the flower company promised to keep the transaction confidential and they failed to keep their promise. He is suing for one million dollars.

Apparently he values a florist’s promise more highly than his marital promise.

Something to talk about
Marital unfaithfulness, infidelity, affair, adultery. No matter how you say it the results are devastating. It has become all too common. We see it everywhere: among government officials at the highest level; among celebrities; among star athletes; in the church and, tragically, even in some well-known pulpits. It is a dangerous trap. We are warned against it by King Solomon, the wisest man in the world, in Proverbs 5, 6 and 7 with words like these:

“With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, with her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would cost his life.” (Proverbs 7:21-23)

What can we do about unfaithfulness? We are going to talk about that today.

Absalom
Absalom was the son of King David. He was the good-looking one. All the women wanted him and all the men wanted to be like him. From head to toe, he was ‘the man.’ He had an incredible, full head of hair that any woman would envy. He was unmatched for his beauty.

There had been some trouble in King David’s household that put Absalom at odds with his father. Absalom really questioned the king’s love for him and they had been estranged for five years; three years apart and two years living right next to each other.

2 Samuel 15:1-6 (NKJV)
1 After this it happened that Absalom provided himself with chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him. 2 Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate. So it was, whenever anyone who had a lawsuit came to the king for a decision, that Absalom would call to him and say, “What city are you from?” And he would say, “Your servant is from such and such a tribe of Israel.” 3 Then Absalom would say to him, “Look, your case is good and right; but there is no deputy of the king to hear you.” 4 Moreover Absalom would say, “Oh, that I were made judge in the land, and everyone who has any suit or cause would come to me; then I would give him justice.” 5 And so it was, whenever anyone came near to bow down to him, that he would put out his hand and take him and kiss him. 6 In this manner Absalom acted toward all Israel who came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.

“So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.” The people of Israel loved their king. Their hearts were fully his, until they ran into Absalom. In fact, when they ran into Absalom they were on their way to the king. He told them what they wanted to hear. He looked good. He paid attention to them. He said to them, “If only you were coming to see me instead of the king, things would be different. They would be wonderful.” And then, for the grand finale, he took their hand and he kissed them. They were hooked.

Absalom wanted their faithfulness but he knew that first he needed to steal their hearts.

Faithfulness is a heart issue. (And faithfulness is a faith issue.)

Faithfulness, or unfaithfulness, is not primarily a physical/sexual issue. It is really about the heart. It is about faith and significance and belief and self and hopes – all of the issues that deal with our heart. We need to deal with it as an issue of the heart.

KEEPING WATCH AT THE GATE
Verse two says, “Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate.” It is not an accident or a coincidence that Absalom would meet up with people as they came to the gate. It was a strategic location. It was a well thought out and intentional encounter, not a chance one.
The gate of the city was an important place for the people of Israel. It was more than just a gate as we might think of it today. It was more like a courthouse. Officers, judges and elders were appointed to sit at the gate and people were instructed to take their cases there. Justice was rendered there. Decisions were made.

It is wise to keep watch at the gate, so that the decisions being made are the right decisions. That’s where lives are altered forever. (Gate: G.A.T.E.)

G - Guard your heart.

The people that came to the gate and ran into Absalom did not realize that he was after their hearts. They didn’t know he was trying to steal something from them – their hearts. They never suspected it, until he had stolen their hearts.

Scripture tells us that our hearts are worth guarding:

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Even in gas-station convenience stores, where they sell Twinkies and key chains and road maps, there are video cameras with a view of every aisle. They know that there are people out there that, if given a chance, would steal from them. They take precautions and guard their stuff. Shouldn’t we much more guard our hearts and be on the look-out for those who want to steal it. They are out there. Guard your heart.

- Especially in vulnerable times.

Notice that the people that Absalom met up with were people who had problems. They were coming for help with a problem. This made them particularly vulnerable to his promises and his smooth talk.

When things are tough, when you think you’ve been wronged and are looking for justice in your marriage, you are particularly susceptible to smooth-talking guy or to that woman who pays attention to you. BE ON GUARD.

A - Acknowledge the difference between fantasy and reality.

Absalom said, “If only I were king, then things would be wonderful.” How many times have we heard that in a campaign speech? They never turn out quite like they are promised, do they?
Something that doesn’t really exist is called fantasy. It comes from the same word as phantom. The promise and allure of someone else instead of your spouse is fantasy.

It is like asking the question: “Who would win in a fistfight, my dad or superman?” The answer: “My dad. Because Superman doesn’t really exist.” When we blur reality and fantasy we end up in real trouble, making unrealistic comparisons.

Your mind creates a fantasy world with this other person and then compares it with the reality of your current situation. I assure you, the reality would be much different than the fantasy that you create.

*** VIDEO: FamilyManAug19_vcd (1:38) ***

The problem with this video clip is that he says, “There is nothing wrong with a little flirting.” That is probably the greatest lie known to man. There is everything wrong with a little flirting. Flirting is the bait for the trap.

- A fool falls for fantasy.

Children sometimes can’t tell the difference between cartoons and reality. Fantasy is a cartoon. Be sure that you can tell the difference.

T - Transform your current reality into a fantastic one.

People in a problem marriage often think this way: “I have two options. I can stay in this marriage that I hate and be miserable, or leave it for someone else and be happy.” (See the fantasy in that statement?) Some even add the next part, “I’m sure God doesn’t want me to be miserable. So, I have to get out.”

Not only is that thinking full of fantasy, it is also woefully incomplete. Those are not the only two options. You can transform your current reality into a fantastic one. Forget fantasy, go for fantastic! Fantasy doesn’t exist. Fantastic can.

- AKA: “The Third Option”

This is the third option that many fail to see or don’t want to see. Option 1: Stay in awful marriage. Option 2: Get out of awful marriage. Option 3: Make awful marriage an awesome marriage. The one you got married for.

So many couples spend so much time thinking about Option 1 and Option 2 that they have no time or focus for Option 3. Imagine what could happen if the doors of Option 1 and Option 2 were slammed closed, and all of my focus and energy were devoted to Option 3, making my marriage a fantastic one. That would revolutionize most marriages.

E - Eliminate even the slightest compromise or justification.

Let’s go back to Absalom one last time. Imagine the thoughts of those who were listening to his negative comments about King David:

“Well, he is the king’s son. He’s practically the king. It’s okay.”
“He’s being so nice. It’s nice of him to pay attention to me.”
“He is really cute. Who wouldn’t want to talk with him?”
“Just one little kiss won’t hurt anything.”

These little compromises allowed the hearts of the people of Israel to be stolen away, and Absalom led them in rebellion against King David. Now, put those same thoughts in today’s context:

“Well, she’s just my co-worker. (He’s just my co-worker.) We work together. It’s okay.”
“He’s being so nice. It’s nice of him to pay attention to me.”
“She is really cute. Who wouldn’t want to talk with her?”
“Just one little kiss won’t hurt anything.”

Compromises and justification pave the way for stolen hearts.

- Set up safeguards

7-11 stores put up security cameras. What can you do? Sometimes you just have to go to the gate. How do you keep from being a casualty without staying home and locking your doors? Here are some closing ideas:

1. Know the danger and your susceptibility. The greatest place of vulnerability is when you think that you are invulnerable. “It couldn’t happen to me.”

2. Maintain firm boundaries with the opposite sex.

3. Don’t flirt. It is not harmless.

4. Pour into your marriage. Make it fantastic.

5. Be accountable to someone. (Men with men/ women with women) Be a part of a small group
to develop healthy, accountable relationships.

6. Grow spiritually. Be devoted to The KING.

CONCLUSION
This is a heart issue. I want to pray for your marriages, and I want to pray for your hearts.