First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...From Bad to Worse

INTRODUCTION
The following story has nothing whatsoever to do with this message. It’s just funny.

Montana State Trooper
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3AM one very cold morning, trooper Allan Nixon #648, responded to a call that there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in this rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, PULL OVER!! The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
(I tried to verify this story as truth or fiction but wasn’t able to. It seems to be fiction. But it is still good for a laugh.)

A tragic story
We needed a good, humorous story because the passage of scripture we are dealing with today is, in my opinion, the most tragic story in the entire Bible. It is found in chapter 19 of the book of Judges. Every time we come to this portion of reading in our Life Journal reading schedule I cringe thinking I am going to have to read it and that you are going to be reading it.

The last time I read it in my Bible I prayed, “Lord, there must be some redeeming factor of this story, or else you wouldn’t have put it in here. Please teach me something of value through this story.” And He did. It may not be pretty, but it is valuable.

Judges 19:1-8 (NKJV)
1 And it came to pass in those days, when there was no king in Israel, that there was a certain Levite staying in the remote mountains of Ephraim. He took for himself a concubine (basically a wife of a lower status) from Bethlehem in Judah. 2 But his concubine played the harlot against him, and went away from him to her father’s house at Bethlehem in Judah, and was there four whole months. 3 Then her husband arose and went after her, to speak kindly to her and bring her back, having his servant and a couple of donkeys with him. So she brought him into her father’s house; and when the father of the young woman saw him, he was glad to meet him. 4 Now his father-in-law, the young woman’s father, detained him; and he stayed with him three days. So they ate and drank and lodged there. 5 Then it came to pass on the fourth day that they arose early in the morning, and he stood to depart; but the young woman’s father said to his son-in-law, “Refresh your heart with a morsel of bread, and afterward go your way.” 6 So they sat down, and the two of them ate and drank together. Then the young woman’s father said to the man, “Please be content to stay all night, and let your heart be merry.” 7 And when the man stood to depart, his father-in-law urged him; so he lodged there again. 8 Then he arose early in the morning on the fifth day to depart, but the young woman’s father said, “Please refresh your heart.” So they delayed until afternoon; and both of them ate.

The story begins with smiles and laughter and warmth. The man goes to speak kindly to the woman and to win her. He meets her father, and the father is glad to see him. (There’s a miracle right there. I know, because I have been the father…) They enjoyed each other’s company and stayed three, four, five days. They just couldn’t pull away. What a warm scene. They all start this way…

Nearly all realtionships begin with smiles and good intentions.

I have never had an engaged couple in pre-marital meetings that has told me, “We want to get married because we have never liked each other, we see this relationship as a total disaster and we want it to end in a bitter and destructive way.”

Keeping them there takes effort.

It’s not the start that’s hard, it’s the rest of it. Will you put forth the effort?

Judges 19:9-13 (NKJV)
9 And when the man stood to depart—he and his concubine and his servant—his father-in-law, the young woman’s father, said to him, “Look, the day is now drawing toward evening; please spend the night. See, the day is coming to an end; lodge here, that your heart may be merry. Tomorrow go your way early, so that you may get home.” 10 However, the man was not willing to spend that night; so he rose and departed, and came opposite Jebus (that is, Jerusalem). With him were the two saddled donkeys; his concubine was also with him. 11 They were near Jebus, and the day was far spent; and the servant said to his master, “Come, please, and let us turn aside into this city of the Jebusites and lodge in it.” 12 But his master said to him, “We will not turn aside here into a city of foreigners, who are not of the children of Israel; we will go on to Gibeah.” 13 So he said to his servant, “Come, let us draw near to one of these places, and spend the night in Gibeah or in Ramah.”

This is where the tale turns dark.
When they come to Gibeah, they go into the town square, but no one offers to lodge them, as is expected. Finally, an old man originally from the same city as the Levite offers to put them up for the night. He makes it clear that this is a dangerous city – maybe not a good choice for a stopover.

While they are at the man’s house, men from the town come and beat upon his door, demanding that he give them the stranger they saw in the town square so that they can abuse him sexually. The old man who owned the house tried to reason with them and make a compromise. He said to them, “I’ll give you my virgin daughter or you can have the man’s wife. Do to them whatever you want, but don’t take the man.” What?? What kind of a solution is that? This thing just gets worse and worse.

Ultimately, they take the man’s wife. They raped her and ravaged her all night long until she drags herself to the threshold of the house in the early morning light and dies right there on the doorstop. Doesn’t that infuriate you? But wait, there’s more.

Scripture then says that, when the man wakes up the next morning he finds her there. Wait a minute. “When he wakes up?”
YOU MEAN HE WAS SLEEPING THAT WHOLE TIME???

While this was taking place, he was enjoying a good night’s sleep.

As terrible and inhumane as that sounds, it is happening in marriages even today. Families are being destroyed; women are in great anguish and many men are sound asleep. They don’t know what’s happening and they don’t really seem to care. WAKE UP!

There’s more to this story, but it just keeps spiralling out of control from one wrong decision to another, widening its circle of destruction. The final verse of the book gives the summary comments on how something like this can take place:

Judges 21:25 (NKJV)
25 In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.

Everyone did what was right in his own eyes, and it was a total mess. When a marriage is ‘every man for himself,’ chaos is the result.

DAMAGE CONTROL
In marriage, there will be wrong decisions. Mistakes will be made. How can we learn from this story and minimize the destruction and keep things from going from bad to worse? Here are some practical applications:

1. Listen to trusted input.

The Levite in this story had a servant who obviously knew the area and suggested in verse 11, “Let’s stop for the night in Jebus (Jerusalem).” If the man only would have listened to this counsel, none of these problems would have happened.

There are three basic mistakes people make when it comes to listening to advice:
1) They listen too little;
2) They listen too much;
3) They listen to the wrong people.

 Develop godly advisors.

I was talking with a troubled wife in my office who was terribly concerned about her marriage. She began by telling me that her husband confesses to being a Christian. He believes in God. He believes in Jesus. He believes that Jesus died for his sins. But he doesn’t believe in going to church. He says that we don’t need church.

Near the end of our lengthy time together she was telling me that her husband told her that he feels unprepared to be a good husband and a good father. He didn’t have a godly example growing up in his father and he complains that he has no one to teach him how to treat his wife, or how to treat his kids, or how to forgive, or any of those types of things.

I actually chuckled at the contradiction: He doesn’t believe in church but he complains that he has no one to mentor or guide him as a Christian. That is what the church does. And it is up to you to make it happen.

I am the poster child for ineptitude. The only way I have survived is because of the input of this church and relationships I have as a result of this church.

Small groups
Get involved. Find role models. How? Start out in a small group and go from there. Our new quarter is beginning in just a few weeks. If you are fairly new, I encourage you to start out in ‘The Core’ Growth Class on Sunday mornings. Find somewhere and start.

2. Admit your bad choices.

A lot of mistakes were made here: Some commentaries say a Levite wasn’t to have a concubine for a wife; the wife shouldn’t have left him and gone back home; she shouldn’t have been unfaithful to him; the man shouldn’t have delayed in leaving his father-in-law’s house; they should’ve stayed in Jebus instead of Gibeah; when the city turned out to be dangerous and inhospitable they should have left; the old man should not have risked his daughter and the Levite’s wife; the Levite should not have let his wife be taken; and on and on it goes. There were a lot of mistakes. One good intentioned mistake seems to lead to another one, until someone gets hurt.

Don’t try to bluff your way through your mistakes. Admit it when you don’t know.
*** VIDEO: Princess Bride (5:00) ***

 Three key words: I was wrong.

We are going to practice this life skill. Let’s start with the men. Say with me: “I was wrong.” Is everybody okay? Where there any casualties? Good. Now the ladies: “I was wrong.” All together now: “I was wrong.” You see, you can say it and still survive.

 Humility is the starting point of restoration.

Dalene and I used to live across the street from this really nice, large home. We always liked the look of it from the outside. When the family who built it moved out there was an open house, so we went in to check it out.

The house had a very unusual feature. It had a large craft room. But there was only one way to get into the craft room. You had to go into the Master Bedroom and then into the Master Closet. There was a door in the master bedroom closet that led into the craft room. There was no other way into that craft room except through that door. If you didn’t know it was there you would have no way of getting into that room or even knowing that it was there.

There is one way to marriage restoration and that is humility. It is not by proving you’re right and they’re wrong. I’ve never seen that way work. It is not by demanding your way. If you really want restoration there is only one access point: that is humility. Humbling yourself. Admitting your faults. Seeking forgiveness. Repenting of past actions. Unless you’re willing to pass through here, you won’t experience restoration.

3. Don’t let others pay for your bad choices.

This is a hard story for us for a couple of reasons. One reason is that there are no heroes in this story. When you read a story you want to find a hero, the good guy, someone you can cheer for. At first it seems that the Levite is the hero because he goes off to speak kindly to his wife. Then he makes some bad choices and does not end up as a hero. Maybe it’s the wife that you want to cheer for. But she was unfaithful to her husband. The old man in Gibeah seems to be a hero at first, letting the travelers stay in his house. But then he turns out to be a dud when he is willing to sacrifice the women to keep the men safe. That’s not exactly hero material.

Marriage problems are that way, too. People come in to my office to convince me that they are the good guy and their spouse is the bad guy. You know what I’ve learned? There is no ‘good guy.’ Everyone has made mistakes. Searching for the good guy and the bad guy is a waste of time, but that’s all some people want to do.

The hardest part of this story is how one person suffered because of another’s decision. The guy said, “We’re staying at Gibeah,” but he’s not the one that paid the price. This is also the most tragic part of marriage problems. The ones who pay the biggest price are the kids. They are the ones who are sacrificed.

 Take full responsibility.

Determine that you will not let anyone else suffer for your mistakes. You take the hit. You absorb the blow, no matter what it takes.

CONCLUSION
This is a tragic story in scripture but it has some redeeming value. It warns us against this type of tragedy taking place in our marriages. A well-intentioned mistake can lead to bigger mistakes and great destruction if it is not corrected. Don’t let that happen to you.

1. Listen to trusted input.
2. Admit your bad choices.
3. Don’t let others pay for your bad choices.

This is sound marriage advice at its finest and its simplest.