First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage... Better Not To Marry?

Introduction
Throughout the summer we will have some guest speakers coming (such as Dan Stewart next weekend), and some special events (such as our Family Service and picnic in the park on July 8th). It is going to be a great summer.

When I have an opportunity to share, I will be talking about the family. We are calling this summertime series, “First comes love, then comes marriage…” You can get the rest from there.

I considered two different working subtitles for this series:

Subtitle 1: “Putting the fun in dysfunctional.”

Subtitle 2: “Not your typical series on the family.”

Together, they pretty much describe the series. I want to go to scripture and deal honestly and squarely with some of the real problems and challenges that we face in marriage and in raising our children. I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture, but deal with the real nitty-gritty. I hope we can have some fun along the way.

“I am your father”
Let’s begin with a video clip. Everyone has trouble raising kids and negotiating the parent/child relationship. Here’s one famous example of that struggle.

*** VIDEO: “StarWars06302007” ***

Did that look familiar? It’s the same old story… Dad wants son to take over the family business and rule the galaxy… Dad doesn’t understand son… Son thinks dad takes his work a little too seriously… this leads to misunderstanding and conflict… a light saber battle ensues… Son gets his hand cut off… yada, yada, yada… time for the next sequel.

Quotes
The family is a strong and enduring theme in movies, on TV, in literature and in life. Darth Vader isn’t the only one who struggles with family issues. We all have strong feelings about family. Here are some quotes I found:

The family seems to have two predominant functions: to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.
-Donald G. Smith

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
-Alex Haley (author of ‘Roots’)

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
-Thomas Jefferson

Let’s begin to see what the Bible has to say about marriage and the family. Over the course of this series we will be looking to the Bible and discussing issues like: blame, fantasy, adultery, success, mistakes… family stuff.

Today we begin and it is a bit of an introduction for what is to come.

Matthew 19:3 (NKJV) 3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”

The Pharisees were bringing up a very touchy subject. It was touchy then, and it is touchy now. It is the subject of divorce. The controversy then centered around an Old Testament verse that is also referenced in verse 7 of this passage. It is in the book of Deuteronomy:

Deuteronomy 24:1 (NKJV) 1 “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house,

There were two common theological schools of thought at this time on the legal practices of divorce. One was associated with the school of Hillel and the other with the school of Shammai.
The school of Shammai was much more strict and much less popular. It said legally divorce was allowed only for matters of unchastity or sexual impurity. The school of Hillel, in contrast, was much more liberal and much more popular. It taught that the ‘uncleanness’ referenced in Deuteronomy 24 refers to any unpleasant trait that causes one to lose favor in the eyes of the other: If she burns the toast; If he makes a dumb decision; If she spends more money than he wants her to; If he took a job that she didn’t like; These would all be causes for divorce. If you see this passage as a command, then not only are you permitted to divorce in these situations, but it is your duty in following the commands of God.

The Pharisees here were trying to catch Jesus in a trap that had both legal and popularity ramifications. Jesus didn’t deal with the issue in those terms. He refuses to deal with marriage from a legal or popular opinion point of view, but from a creation point of view. He gives the discussion its proper context. Watch:

Matthew 19:4-12 (NKJV) 4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’ ? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” 10 His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: 12 For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”

Jesus totally redirected and reformatted the entire discussion about the reality, permanence and importance of marriage and the family. We may need to have our thinking reformatted again today.

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
Marriage is not merely a legally contracted arrangement. It is not a matter open to the whims and decisions of popular opinion. It is a supernatural relationship arranged by God before there was a legal system and before there was a populus.

From this passage, I would like to make a couple of observations and give some practical advice.
1. Marriage and the family make up the greatest institution in the galaxy.

I have great fear that this may in some way be understated, so I used the word galaxy. Maybe I should have gone beyond that. We tragically underestimate the importance and significance of marriage and of the family. That is what the Pharisees were doing then and that is what many do today.

What God has joined together
Look at that key phrase in verse 6: “…what God has joined together…” [Let’s say that together] Marriage is a miraculous relationship that God Himself fuses together. There is no other relationship or institution that can make that incredible claim.

Marriage is not subject to the legal system, it predates the legal system. Marriage is not subject to popular opinion. There was only one person on the planet when God came up with the idea, and he slept through most of it. Marriage is God’s doing. It is God taking one man and one woman and fusing them together spiritually, making the two one, through a sexual union. We can’t, even if we want to, come along and make changes to it.

Repainting your car
I can’t come over and paint your car if I don’t like the color. It doesn’t belong to me. To an even greater degree, I can’t change what marriage is. It doesn’t belong to me. No matter what people decide to do to the legal marriage, or the popular opinion of marriage, it doesn’t change God’s creation of marriage. You won’t repaint His car.

Divorce? What’s that?
In verse nine Jesus says, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” God doesn’t understand what divorce is. He doesn’t recognize it. God understands broken covenant, but He doesn’t understand divorce.

Divorce is a myth, like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. A legal divorce assumes that marriage is legally created, and it is not. Marriage is the greatest institution in the galaxy whereby God creates an indissolvable bond that no force on earth can separate. How cool is that?

2. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Look at the disciple’s response to Jesus’ teaching on the subject. I love their honest response, “If marriage is that serious of a thing, Lord, if it can’t be dissolved, then maybe it would be better not even to get married at all.” Good! When that is your response, then maybe you understand the seriousness with which God views marriage.

It is our goal in premarital counseling sessions with young couples not to break up their marriage plans, but to bring about this understanding.

Lindsay’s anniversary card
One of our daughters gave Dalene and I each a gift on our anniversary this month. With my gift came this note:
“Dad, Happy Anniversary! I love you so much and I want to say thank you for working through everything that got in the way of you and mom being happily married. Not many kids can say that their parents have been married for so long.” Lindsay

Her note shows some mature understanding that happy marriages don’t just happen. They take some work. And all the work is worth it!

A volunteer comittment
When the going gets tough can I remind you of something? You volunteered for the assignment. When I was in the army and someone would start complaining about their assignment, I would hear a sergeant say, “Last I checked this is a volunteer army. There is no draft, soldier. No one held a gun up to your head. You volunteered.” The fact that marriage is tough and still people are volunteering says the benefits are pretty good. There is no ‘marriage draft’. Don’t forget the benefits that you enjoy. In fact, in response to the disciples’ comment that it may be better not to marry, Jesus candidly says, “Yeah, but not many people are willing to pass up the benefits.”

To those who unmarried
Jesus said it isn’t easy being single. Those who are single, for whatever reason, deserve our high esteem and great honor.

3. Take some practical advice:

- Check your thinking.

Have you lowered marriage, like the Pharisees had, to a rule, a legal arrangement or a matter for popular opinion. It is a covenant that God honors and that He takes very seriously. Do you understand its gravity?

- Make your marriage your highest priority.

(Apart from your personal relationship with God.) Make sure your resources, your attention and your strength are committed first to your marriage before any other thing. (1 Cor. 7:32-34)

1 Corinthians 7 speaks of marriage. Notice what is said in verses 32-33, “But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife.”

The Apostle Paul is saying that once you’re married your priority rightly becomes pleasing your wife (and verse 34 says for a woman, pleasing her husband.). Look at the high priority given to pleasing your spouse.

- Eliminate ‘back doors.’

If the back door of divorce or the back door of impurity is left open in your marriage you will be robbed blind of joy in your marriage.

I was talking with a man who was physically separated from his wife and there was talk of divorce. We had quite a bit of discussion on the topic. He had decided not to pursue divorce but then, because of some input from co-workers, was unsure. He said to me, “I’m just going to wait on God and see what His will is.”

I had good news for him, “You don’t have to wait. I can tell you right now without question what God’s will is in this area. It is not divorce.”

- Grow spiritually.

The greatest single key to your marriage relationship is your spiritual health. The greatest marriage manual of all time is the Bible. The greatest threat to your marriage is not attack but apathy.

We have been told that the divorce rate for Christians and non-Christians are virtually identical. This isn’t quite true. Bradley Wright, Associate Professor at the University of Connecticut, using data collected from the General Social Survey (National Opinion Research Center, University of Chicago) calculated what percentage of Christian respondents were divorced by how frequently they attend church. The results are amazing:

49% Never attend church
46% Less than once a year
46% About once or twice a year
42% Several times a year
42% About once a month
41% Two or three times a month
31% Nearly every week
27% Every week (Nearly one-half of those who never attend church)

Where consistent spiritual growth is a priority, divorce rates change radically.

Conclusion
Having said all this, can I share with you this church’s stance on divorce, and then I’d like to tell you one final story.

The direction to our entire pastoral staff is: Never counsel towards divorce. No matter what the circumstance, always counsel towards reconciliation. There may be safety issues to consider and physical protection to be given (we have done that), but we will never counsel towards divorce. Our goal is always reconciliation and restoration.

This is the other thing you have to know about us: Our love here is unconditional. I have met with people who, contrary to my counsel, have sought divorce. I have not loved them or cared for them any less. I do not feel that care and ministry are to be used as tools of manipulation to get you to do what I say.

To those who have been divorced, you have my deepest love and acceptance. Condemnation has no place in this discussion.

From bad to great to tragic
I got a call many years ago from a man who was in tears over his marriage. I knew this man very well and this was absolutely uncharacteristic of him. He never cried for any reason. Here he was bawling on the other end of the phone.

He was an alcoholic and his wife was tired of it. He and his wife were separated. Now she was seeing someone else and he was in danger of losing his wife and his kids. He was desperate and hopeless. He called out to God and committed his life to following Him no matter what. God miraculously touched this man. He delivered him from alcohol and restored his marriage and his family. He couldn’t believe it. He was so grateful for what God had done. He had such renewed hope and life. He owed it all to God.

He got his family in church again. They came regularly and were being changed. Then, little by little, things got in the way. He stopped coming and fell into old habits. After a few years free from alcohol he started drinking again. I saw him a couple weeks ago. He and his wife are divorced, and he’s right back to where he was. God gave him victory and he squandered it through neglect. Don’t let that happen to you.