INTRODUCTION
Let’s begin today by reading our scripture passage of the morning together:
1 Timothy 5:1-2 (NKJV)
1 Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.
We can all identify with the words of these verses. Circle these words on your outline: Father, brothers, mothers, sisters. How many of you, at one time or another in your life, have had or have been a father, mother, brother or sister? That’s family.
These were originally written by the Apostle Paul to a young man by the name of Timothy, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. They were later read throughout the churches as instructions for all believers and are now a part of inspired scripture for our study today. The practical instruction from Paul to Timothy is very practical for us also.
Author: Paul the Apostle
The author, Paul the Apostle, of course you recognize. He was formally trained with the best biblical education and was originally a persecutor of the church. Then he saw the resurrected Jesus on the road to a city called Damascus and his life was radically changed. He went from the greatest enemy of the church to the great apostle to the Gentiles. He traveled extensively on missionary journeys spreading the gospel. In some cities he was greeted warmly. In most cities he ended up being beaten or thrown in jail. He also developed a great team of leaders who traveled with him or stayed to minister in the cities where churches sprung up.
Paul’s writings form the majority of the New Testament and provide nearly all of our Christian doctrine today.
Recipient: Timothy the Pastor
Paul is writing here to Timothy. Timothy was one of those young men that Paul mentored. Timothy traveled with Paul. He was sometimes sent by Paul as a trusted messenger or problem-solver. By the time of this letter, Timothy was pastoring a congregation in Ephesus. Paul was still mentoring Timothy through his letters.
Timothy was more than a co-worker to Paul, he was like a son to him. Paul seemed to be a close friend of Timothy’s own family and referred to Timothy as ‘a true son in the faith’ (1 Timothy 1:2).
So here is the great Apostle, teaching a class of doctrine and pastoral studies to his prized student. When he comes to this portion of dealing with other people within the church he uses the best model that he can come up with: relationships within the family.
Conclusion of our series on the family
We will conclude our series entitled, “First comes love, then comes marriage…” by looking at this model: The model of the family; or The Model Family. We have touched on some very difficult family issues over the summer. Let’s end well.
Model (synoyms): prototype; original; ideal; design
What do you think of when you think of a model? Maybe you think of an overly thin woman strutting down a fashion run-way. Maybe it conjures up memories of taking small plastic pieces out of a box, gluing them to each other and to your fingers as you assemble a classic car or plane: something scaled down to look like the original. These are just a couple of examples.
A real model is more than just in appearance. A real model can be put to the test.
Architectural models
My cousin entered college just before me and was in the Architect’s program. I had a passing interest in Architecture, until I found out that they had to go to school longer, (it is a five-year program instead of four), and they were always doing school work. There was not time for fun. It just didn’t pencil out for me.
I nearly had a change of heart when I found out that they spent a lot of that time making models. They made model buildings, model bridges, even model cities. The models allowed them to see, in a three dimensional way, the things that they were drawing on paper. The models had another purpose, too.
The designs that they drew on paper and then built into models would have to endure stress. Each one was put under force and weight to see if the structural design they used held up. If it did, then the building itself would be safe and the student would pass the course. If the model couldn’t handle the stress that would be applied to it but buckled under the weight, then proper principles were not followed and the student failed. The stress test wasn’t just for the model, but also for the student who was hoping for a passing grade. Great thought and attention and planning went into these models.
Then, as a final celebration and rite of passage, when all the tests were done, the Architectural students would take their large and detailed models to the base of the Architectural school building. They ascended to the top of the multiple floor building with pumpkins and watermelons and buckets filled with water or anything else they could find, and they would bomb their models. It was quite an event. It was when we all wished we had chosen the Architectural program.
ALL IN THE FAMILY
The family is a model that God has given us. Is your family more than outward appearance and a shared last name? Can it be put to the test?
1. The family is a model of behavior to follow.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 (NKJV)
1 Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.
When trying to teach Timothy how to best treat people around him, Paul used the model of the family. He was saying, “If you want to know how to treat an older man in a way that would be pleasing to God, think of the family. Treat him as you would treat a father. Treat a younger man as you would treat a brother. Treat an older woman as you would treat a mother. And treat a younger woman as you would a sister. If you do that, then you will be honoring to them and pleasing to God.”
Scripture is literally saying that the way we treat our family should be the standard by which we measure all other relationships. It should be the model. Is it?
Be your best at home.
Who you are at home, with your family, is who you really are. Not when you’re with your friends or with your girlfriend or your co-workers. Who you really are is who you are at home, where you have nothing to prove and no appearance to keep up. If you are nice around your friends but nasty with your family, you’re a nasty person.
If you are sweet and kind to your girlfriend, but speak rudely to your mother, you are a rude person. Maybe you have heard: “If you want to know what kind of a husband a man will be, watch how he treats his mother.” Because it’s true.
If you are the knight in shining armor with your co-workers but Mr. Mean at home, guess what? You know who you really are.
Determine to be the best that you can be at home, and the rest will come naturally.
Here is a video I received of the model husband. See if you agree.
*** Video: ThePerfectHusband (1:00)***
2. The family is a model of differences to enjoy.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 (NKJV)
1 Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.
Your family is made up of different individuals. Now, you may say, “Well, you got that right. Especially my brother, he is very different…” That’s not exactly what I mean. Every part has a unique role to play.
Notice in this verse it doesn’t say, “Treat an older woman as a brother,” or, “Treat younger women as fathers,” or even, “Treat everyone just the same. There is no difference whatsoever.” There are differences. We are wise to recognize those differences and appreciate them.
Appreciate the individuals in your family.
Differences of opinion and differences of temperament are bound to show up in your family. Most of the time we allow these differences to escalate into competition, arguments and even whole scale wars. STOP! They’re not wrong. You’re not wrong. You are different.
Appreciate your family
Turn your outlines over, or get another piece of paper, and write down the left-hand side: Dad, Mom, and then your brothers and sisters. You can also include sons and daughters, etc, as it may apply.
Now, just to the right of each name, write one thing that you appreciate about them. It could be a personality trait, an act of kindness, a fond memory, etc.
Now, what would be even better, is if you could communicate this to them in some way.
3. The family is a model of destiny to fulfill.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 (NKJV)
1 Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.
A father, a brother, a mother and a sister are given to you by birth. No one chooses their father, brother, mother or sister. God put you in your family by His design and for His purpose. That may be hard to swallow sometime, but it’s true.
Psalm 139:13 (NKJV)
13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
A classic example: Joseph
Right here you may say, “No way. You can’t blame God for my family. He’s got nothing to do with them.”
Remember Joseph? Genesis, 37-50, tells his story. His brothers threw him into a pit with the intention of killing him, but then sold him into slavery. As a result, he was falsely accused and thrown into jail. He spent years in slavery and in prison, separated from his family, until God miraculously made him in charge of all Egypt. He was reunited with his family and was able to save them from the famine that would have taken their lives.
Instead of paying his brothers back for their cruelty, he understood that God’s plan was served through his family. He later says to his brothers, “What you meant for evil, God used for good.” (Genesis 50:20)
Trust God to accomplish His purpose through the family He chose for you.
Maybe your family is fun and games, 24/7. Good. Maybe, like Joseph’s, it’s the pits. We don’t always know what God is up to, but we can trust Him. Thank God for your family.
CONCLUSION
Families: Right, wrong, good or bad, they are here to stay. You might as well love them and let God use them as He desires in your life.
Why fathers have gray hair
A father passed by his son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan, and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is so much older than I am. It's not just her passion, Dad. She really gets me.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood—just enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many children.
Please don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. I'm sure we'll be back to visit someday so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage... Stealing Hearts
Continuing the series
Today we are continuing a series on marriage and the family we are calling, “First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage…” I promised you from the beginning that it would not be your typical marriage series. Thank you for your many comments on the series.
We began by talking about the high esteem that God places on the marriage covenant and some of the biblical issues surrounding divorce. Next we warned about the danger of being success-driven and the potential impact on the family. Last week we talked about how simple mistakes and bad choices can spiral out of control if they are not dealt with. Today we are going to talk about another difficult subject.
Next Sunday, however, we are going to conclude this series by shining a light on the joy and blessing of marriage and family.
1-800-Flowers
Perhaps you heard the news over the last couple of weeks that begins simple enough: A man from Houston, Texas bought flowers and a teddy bear. They were sent to his girlfriend with the note, "Just wanted to say that I love you and you mean the world to me!" How sweet. The trouble is the flower company sent a thank you note for his purchase to his home – where his wife saw it. When she saw the note she called the company and said it must be a mistake because they didn’t purchase any flowers. Then she asked them to fax her the receipt, which gave her all the sordid details.
Now the husband is suing the flower company, 1-800-Flowers, for, get this, breach of contract. He says that the flower company promised to keep the transaction confidential and they failed to keep their promise. He is suing for one million dollars.
Apparently he values a florist’s promise more highly than his marital promise.
Something to talk about
Marital unfaithfulness, infidelity, affair, adultery. No matter how you say it the results are devastating. It has become all too common. We see it everywhere: among government officials at the highest level; among celebrities; among star athletes; in the church and, tragically, even in some well-known pulpits. It is a dangerous trap. We are warned against it by King Solomon, the wisest man in the world, in Proverbs 5, 6 and 7 with words like these:
“With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, with her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would cost his life.” (Proverbs 7:21-23)
What can we do about unfaithfulness? We are going to talk about that today.
Absalom
Absalom was the son of King David. He was the good-looking one. All the women wanted him and all the men wanted to be like him. From head to toe, he was ‘the man.’ He had an incredible, full head of hair that any woman would envy. He was unmatched for his beauty.
There had been some trouble in King David’s household that put Absalom at odds with his father. Absalom really questioned the king’s love for him and they had been estranged for five years; three years apart and two years living right next to each other.
2 Samuel 15:1-6 (NKJV)
1 After this it happened that Absalom provided himself with chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him. 2 Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate. So it was, whenever anyone who had a lawsuit came to the king for a decision, that Absalom would call to him and say, “What city are you from?” And he would say, “Your servant is from such and such a tribe of Israel.” 3 Then Absalom would say to him, “Look, your case is good and right; but there is no deputy of the king to hear you.” 4 Moreover Absalom would say, “Oh, that I were made judge in the land, and everyone who has any suit or cause would come to me; then I would give him justice.” 5 And so it was, whenever anyone came near to bow down to him, that he would put out his hand and take him and kiss him. 6 In this manner Absalom acted toward all Israel who came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.
“So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.” The people of Israel loved their king. Their hearts were fully his, until they ran into Absalom. In fact, when they ran into Absalom they were on their way to the king. He told them what they wanted to hear. He looked good. He paid attention to them. He said to them, “If only you were coming to see me instead of the king, things would be different. They would be wonderful.” And then, for the grand finale, he took their hand and he kissed them. They were hooked.
Absalom wanted their faithfulness but he knew that first he needed to steal their hearts.
Faithfulness is a heart issue. (And faithfulness is a faith issue.)
Faithfulness, or unfaithfulness, is not primarily a physical/sexual issue. It is really about the heart. It is about faith and significance and belief and self and hopes – all of the issues that deal with our heart. We need to deal with it as an issue of the heart.
KEEPING WATCH AT THE GATE
Verse two says, “Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate.” It is not an accident or a coincidence that Absalom would meet up with people as they came to the gate. It was a strategic location. It was a well thought out and intentional encounter, not a chance one.
The gate of the city was an important place for the people of Israel. It was more than just a gate as we might think of it today. It was more like a courthouse. Officers, judges and elders were appointed to sit at the gate and people were instructed to take their cases there. Justice was rendered there. Decisions were made.
It is wise to keep watch at the gate, so that the decisions being made are the right decisions. That’s where lives are altered forever. (Gate: G.A.T.E.)
G - Guard your heart.
The people that came to the gate and ran into Absalom did not realize that he was after their hearts. They didn’t know he was trying to steal something from them – their hearts. They never suspected it, until he had stolen their hearts.
Scripture tells us that our hearts are worth guarding:
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Even in gas-station convenience stores, where they sell Twinkies and key chains and road maps, there are video cameras with a view of every aisle. They know that there are people out there that, if given a chance, would steal from them. They take precautions and guard their stuff. Shouldn’t we much more guard our hearts and be on the look-out for those who want to steal it. They are out there. Guard your heart.
- Especially in vulnerable times.
Notice that the people that Absalom met up with were people who had problems. They were coming for help with a problem. This made them particularly vulnerable to his promises and his smooth talk.
When things are tough, when you think you’ve been wronged and are looking for justice in your marriage, you are particularly susceptible to smooth-talking guy or to that woman who pays attention to you. BE ON GUARD.
A - Acknowledge the difference between fantasy and reality.
Absalom said, “If only I were king, then things would be wonderful.” How many times have we heard that in a campaign speech? They never turn out quite like they are promised, do they?
Something that doesn’t really exist is called fantasy. It comes from the same word as phantom. The promise and allure of someone else instead of your spouse is fantasy.
It is like asking the question: “Who would win in a fistfight, my dad or superman?” The answer: “My dad. Because Superman doesn’t really exist.” When we blur reality and fantasy we end up in real trouble, making unrealistic comparisons.
Your mind creates a fantasy world with this other person and then compares it with the reality of your current situation. I assure you, the reality would be much different than the fantasy that you create.
*** VIDEO: FamilyManAug19_vcd (1:38) ***
The problem with this video clip is that he says, “There is nothing wrong with a little flirting.” That is probably the greatest lie known to man. There is everything wrong with a little flirting. Flirting is the bait for the trap.
- A fool falls for fantasy.
Children sometimes can’t tell the difference between cartoons and reality. Fantasy is a cartoon. Be sure that you can tell the difference.
T - Transform your current reality into a fantastic one.
People in a problem marriage often think this way: “I have two options. I can stay in this marriage that I hate and be miserable, or leave it for someone else and be happy.” (See the fantasy in that statement?) Some even add the next part, “I’m sure God doesn’t want me to be miserable. So, I have to get out.”
Not only is that thinking full of fantasy, it is also woefully incomplete. Those are not the only two options. You can transform your current reality into a fantastic one. Forget fantasy, go for fantastic! Fantasy doesn’t exist. Fantastic can.
- AKA: “The Third Option”
This is the third option that many fail to see or don’t want to see. Option 1: Stay in awful marriage. Option 2: Get out of awful marriage. Option 3: Make awful marriage an awesome marriage. The one you got married for.
So many couples spend so much time thinking about Option 1 and Option 2 that they have no time or focus for Option 3. Imagine what could happen if the doors of Option 1 and Option 2 were slammed closed, and all of my focus and energy were devoted to Option 3, making my marriage a fantastic one. That would revolutionize most marriages.
E - Eliminate even the slightest compromise or justification.
Let’s go back to Absalom one last time. Imagine the thoughts of those who were listening to his negative comments about King David:
“Well, he is the king’s son. He’s practically the king. It’s okay.”
“He’s being so nice. It’s nice of him to pay attention to me.”
“He is really cute. Who wouldn’t want to talk with him?”
“Just one little kiss won’t hurt anything.”
These little compromises allowed the hearts of the people of Israel to be stolen away, and Absalom led them in rebellion against King David. Now, put those same thoughts in today’s context:
“Well, she’s just my co-worker. (He’s just my co-worker.) We work together. It’s okay.”
“He’s being so nice. It’s nice of him to pay attention to me.”
“She is really cute. Who wouldn’t want to talk with her?”
“Just one little kiss won’t hurt anything.”
Compromises and justification pave the way for stolen hearts.
- Set up safeguards
7-11 stores put up security cameras. What can you do? Sometimes you just have to go to the gate. How do you keep from being a casualty without staying home and locking your doors? Here are some closing ideas:
1. Know the danger and your susceptibility. The greatest place of vulnerability is when you think that you are invulnerable. “It couldn’t happen to me.”
2. Maintain firm boundaries with the opposite sex.
3. Don’t flirt. It is not harmless.
4. Pour into your marriage. Make it fantastic.
5. Be accountable to someone. (Men with men/ women with women) Be a part of a small group
to develop healthy, accountable relationships.
6. Grow spiritually. Be devoted to The KING.
CONCLUSION
This is a heart issue. I want to pray for your marriages, and I want to pray for your hearts.
Today we are continuing a series on marriage and the family we are calling, “First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage…” I promised you from the beginning that it would not be your typical marriage series. Thank you for your many comments on the series.
We began by talking about the high esteem that God places on the marriage covenant and some of the biblical issues surrounding divorce. Next we warned about the danger of being success-driven and the potential impact on the family. Last week we talked about how simple mistakes and bad choices can spiral out of control if they are not dealt with. Today we are going to talk about another difficult subject.
Next Sunday, however, we are going to conclude this series by shining a light on the joy and blessing of marriage and family.
1-800-Flowers
Perhaps you heard the news over the last couple of weeks that begins simple enough: A man from Houston, Texas bought flowers and a teddy bear. They were sent to his girlfriend with the note, "Just wanted to say that I love you and you mean the world to me!" How sweet. The trouble is the flower company sent a thank you note for his purchase to his home – where his wife saw it. When she saw the note she called the company and said it must be a mistake because they didn’t purchase any flowers. Then she asked them to fax her the receipt, which gave her all the sordid details.
Now the husband is suing the flower company, 1-800-Flowers, for, get this, breach of contract. He says that the flower company promised to keep the transaction confidential and they failed to keep their promise. He is suing for one million dollars.
Apparently he values a florist’s promise more highly than his marital promise.
Something to talk about
Marital unfaithfulness, infidelity, affair, adultery. No matter how you say it the results are devastating. It has become all too common. We see it everywhere: among government officials at the highest level; among celebrities; among star athletes; in the church and, tragically, even in some well-known pulpits. It is a dangerous trap. We are warned against it by King Solomon, the wisest man in the world, in Proverbs 5, 6 and 7 with words like these:
“With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, with her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would cost his life.” (Proverbs 7:21-23)
What can we do about unfaithfulness? We are going to talk about that today.
Absalom
Absalom was the son of King David. He was the good-looking one. All the women wanted him and all the men wanted to be like him. From head to toe, he was ‘the man.’ He had an incredible, full head of hair that any woman would envy. He was unmatched for his beauty.
There had been some trouble in King David’s household that put Absalom at odds with his father. Absalom really questioned the king’s love for him and they had been estranged for five years; three years apart and two years living right next to each other.
2 Samuel 15:1-6 (NKJV)
1 After this it happened that Absalom provided himself with chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him. 2 Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate. So it was, whenever anyone who had a lawsuit came to the king for a decision, that Absalom would call to him and say, “What city are you from?” And he would say, “Your servant is from such and such a tribe of Israel.” 3 Then Absalom would say to him, “Look, your case is good and right; but there is no deputy of the king to hear you.” 4 Moreover Absalom would say, “Oh, that I were made judge in the land, and everyone who has any suit or cause would come to me; then I would give him justice.” 5 And so it was, whenever anyone came near to bow down to him, that he would put out his hand and take him and kiss him. 6 In this manner Absalom acted toward all Israel who came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.
“So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.” The people of Israel loved their king. Their hearts were fully his, until they ran into Absalom. In fact, when they ran into Absalom they were on their way to the king. He told them what they wanted to hear. He looked good. He paid attention to them. He said to them, “If only you were coming to see me instead of the king, things would be different. They would be wonderful.” And then, for the grand finale, he took their hand and he kissed them. They were hooked.
Absalom wanted their faithfulness but he knew that first he needed to steal their hearts.
Faithfulness is a heart issue. (And faithfulness is a faith issue.)
Faithfulness, or unfaithfulness, is not primarily a physical/sexual issue. It is really about the heart. It is about faith and significance and belief and self and hopes – all of the issues that deal with our heart. We need to deal with it as an issue of the heart.
KEEPING WATCH AT THE GATE
Verse two says, “Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate.” It is not an accident or a coincidence that Absalom would meet up with people as they came to the gate. It was a strategic location. It was a well thought out and intentional encounter, not a chance one.
The gate of the city was an important place for the people of Israel. It was more than just a gate as we might think of it today. It was more like a courthouse. Officers, judges and elders were appointed to sit at the gate and people were instructed to take their cases there. Justice was rendered there. Decisions were made.
It is wise to keep watch at the gate, so that the decisions being made are the right decisions. That’s where lives are altered forever. (Gate: G.A.T.E.)
G - Guard your heart.
The people that came to the gate and ran into Absalom did not realize that he was after their hearts. They didn’t know he was trying to steal something from them – their hearts. They never suspected it, until he had stolen their hearts.
Scripture tells us that our hearts are worth guarding:
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Even in gas-station convenience stores, where they sell Twinkies and key chains and road maps, there are video cameras with a view of every aisle. They know that there are people out there that, if given a chance, would steal from them. They take precautions and guard their stuff. Shouldn’t we much more guard our hearts and be on the look-out for those who want to steal it. They are out there. Guard your heart.
- Especially in vulnerable times.
Notice that the people that Absalom met up with were people who had problems. They were coming for help with a problem. This made them particularly vulnerable to his promises and his smooth talk.
When things are tough, when you think you’ve been wronged and are looking for justice in your marriage, you are particularly susceptible to smooth-talking guy or to that woman who pays attention to you. BE ON GUARD.
A - Acknowledge the difference between fantasy and reality.
Absalom said, “If only I were king, then things would be wonderful.” How many times have we heard that in a campaign speech? They never turn out quite like they are promised, do they?
Something that doesn’t really exist is called fantasy. It comes from the same word as phantom. The promise and allure of someone else instead of your spouse is fantasy.
It is like asking the question: “Who would win in a fistfight, my dad or superman?” The answer: “My dad. Because Superman doesn’t really exist.” When we blur reality and fantasy we end up in real trouble, making unrealistic comparisons.
Your mind creates a fantasy world with this other person and then compares it with the reality of your current situation. I assure you, the reality would be much different than the fantasy that you create.
*** VIDEO: FamilyManAug19_vcd (1:38) ***
The problem with this video clip is that he says, “There is nothing wrong with a little flirting.” That is probably the greatest lie known to man. There is everything wrong with a little flirting. Flirting is the bait for the trap.
- A fool falls for fantasy.
Children sometimes can’t tell the difference between cartoons and reality. Fantasy is a cartoon. Be sure that you can tell the difference.
T - Transform your current reality into a fantastic one.
People in a problem marriage often think this way: “I have two options. I can stay in this marriage that I hate and be miserable, or leave it for someone else and be happy.” (See the fantasy in that statement?) Some even add the next part, “I’m sure God doesn’t want me to be miserable. So, I have to get out.”
Not only is that thinking full of fantasy, it is also woefully incomplete. Those are not the only two options. You can transform your current reality into a fantastic one. Forget fantasy, go for fantastic! Fantasy doesn’t exist. Fantastic can.
- AKA: “The Third Option”
This is the third option that many fail to see or don’t want to see. Option 1: Stay in awful marriage. Option 2: Get out of awful marriage. Option 3: Make awful marriage an awesome marriage. The one you got married for.
So many couples spend so much time thinking about Option 1 and Option 2 that they have no time or focus for Option 3. Imagine what could happen if the doors of Option 1 and Option 2 were slammed closed, and all of my focus and energy were devoted to Option 3, making my marriage a fantastic one. That would revolutionize most marriages.
E - Eliminate even the slightest compromise or justification.
Let’s go back to Absalom one last time. Imagine the thoughts of those who were listening to his negative comments about King David:
“Well, he is the king’s son. He’s practically the king. It’s okay.”
“He’s being so nice. It’s nice of him to pay attention to me.”
“He is really cute. Who wouldn’t want to talk with him?”
“Just one little kiss won’t hurt anything.”
These little compromises allowed the hearts of the people of Israel to be stolen away, and Absalom led them in rebellion against King David. Now, put those same thoughts in today’s context:
“Well, she’s just my co-worker. (He’s just my co-worker.) We work together. It’s okay.”
“He’s being so nice. It’s nice of him to pay attention to me.”
“She is really cute. Who wouldn’t want to talk with her?”
“Just one little kiss won’t hurt anything.”
Compromises and justification pave the way for stolen hearts.
- Set up safeguards
7-11 stores put up security cameras. What can you do? Sometimes you just have to go to the gate. How do you keep from being a casualty without staying home and locking your doors? Here are some closing ideas:
1. Know the danger and your susceptibility. The greatest place of vulnerability is when you think that you are invulnerable. “It couldn’t happen to me.”
2. Maintain firm boundaries with the opposite sex.
3. Don’t flirt. It is not harmless.
4. Pour into your marriage. Make it fantastic.
5. Be accountable to someone. (Men with men/ women with women) Be a part of a small group
to develop healthy, accountable relationships.
6. Grow spiritually. Be devoted to The KING.
CONCLUSION
This is a heart issue. I want to pray for your marriages, and I want to pray for your hearts.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...From Bad to Worse
INTRODUCTION
The following story has nothing whatsoever to do with this message. It’s just funny.
Montana State Trooper
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3AM one very cold morning, trooper Allan Nixon #648, responded to a call that there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in this rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, PULL OVER!! The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
(I tried to verify this story as truth or fiction but wasn’t able to. It seems to be fiction. But it is still good for a laugh.)
A tragic story
We needed a good, humorous story because the passage of scripture we are dealing with today is, in my opinion, the most tragic story in the entire Bible. It is found in chapter 19 of the book of Judges. Every time we come to this portion of reading in our Life Journal reading schedule I cringe thinking I am going to have to read it and that you are going to be reading it.
The last time I read it in my Bible I prayed, “Lord, there must be some redeeming factor of this story, or else you wouldn’t have put it in here. Please teach me something of value through this story.” And He did. It may not be pretty, but it is valuable.
Judges 19:1-8 (NKJV)
1 And it came to pass in those days, when there was no king in Israel, that there was a certain Levite staying in the remote mountains of Ephraim. He took for himself a concubine (basically a wife of a lower status) from Bethlehem in Judah. 2 But his concubine played the harlot against him, and went away from him to her father’s house at Bethlehem in Judah, and was there four whole months. 3 Then her husband arose and went after her, to speak kindly to her and bring her back, having his servant and a couple of donkeys with him. So she brought him into her father’s house; and when the father of the young woman saw him, he was glad to meet him. 4 Now his father-in-law, the young woman’s father, detained him; and he stayed with him three days. So they ate and drank and lodged there. 5 Then it came to pass on the fourth day that they arose early in the morning, and he stood to depart; but the young woman’s father said to his son-in-law, “Refresh your heart with a morsel of bread, and afterward go your way.” 6 So they sat down, and the two of them ate and drank together. Then the young woman’s father said to the man, “Please be content to stay all night, and let your heart be merry.” 7 And when the man stood to depart, his father-in-law urged him; so he lodged there again. 8 Then he arose early in the morning on the fifth day to depart, but the young woman’s father said, “Please refresh your heart.” So they delayed until afternoon; and both of them ate.
The story begins with smiles and laughter and warmth. The man goes to speak kindly to the woman and to win her. He meets her father, and the father is glad to see him. (There’s a miracle right there. I know, because I have been the father…) They enjoyed each other’s company and stayed three, four, five days. They just couldn’t pull away. What a warm scene. They all start this way…
Nearly all realtionships begin with smiles and good intentions.
I have never had an engaged couple in pre-marital meetings that has told me, “We want to get married because we have never liked each other, we see this relationship as a total disaster and we want it to end in a bitter and destructive way.”
Keeping them there takes effort.
It’s not the start that’s hard, it’s the rest of it. Will you put forth the effort?
Judges 19:9-13 (NKJV)
9 And when the man stood to depart—he and his concubine and his servant—his father-in-law, the young woman’s father, said to him, “Look, the day is now drawing toward evening; please spend the night. See, the day is coming to an end; lodge here, that your heart may be merry. Tomorrow go your way early, so that you may get home.” 10 However, the man was not willing to spend that night; so he rose and departed, and came opposite Jebus (that is, Jerusalem). With him were the two saddled donkeys; his concubine was also with him. 11 They were near Jebus, and the day was far spent; and the servant said to his master, “Come, please, and let us turn aside into this city of the Jebusites and lodge in it.” 12 But his master said to him, “We will not turn aside here into a city of foreigners, who are not of the children of Israel; we will go on to Gibeah.” 13 So he said to his servant, “Come, let us draw near to one of these places, and spend the night in Gibeah or in Ramah.”
This is where the tale turns dark.
When they come to Gibeah, they go into the town square, but no one offers to lodge them, as is expected. Finally, an old man originally from the same city as the Levite offers to put them up for the night. He makes it clear that this is a dangerous city – maybe not a good choice for a stopover.
While they are at the man’s house, men from the town come and beat upon his door, demanding that he give them the stranger they saw in the town square so that they can abuse him sexually. The old man who owned the house tried to reason with them and make a compromise. He said to them, “I’ll give you my virgin daughter or you can have the man’s wife. Do to them whatever you want, but don’t take the man.” What?? What kind of a solution is that? This thing just gets worse and worse.
Ultimately, they take the man’s wife. They raped her and ravaged her all night long until she drags herself to the threshold of the house in the early morning light and dies right there on the doorstop. Doesn’t that infuriate you? But wait, there’s more.
Scripture then says that, when the man wakes up the next morning he finds her there. Wait a minute. “When he wakes up?”
YOU MEAN HE WAS SLEEPING THAT WHOLE TIME???
While this was taking place, he was enjoying a good night’s sleep.
As terrible and inhumane as that sounds, it is happening in marriages even today. Families are being destroyed; women are in great anguish and many men are sound asleep. They don’t know what’s happening and they don’t really seem to care. WAKE UP!
There’s more to this story, but it just keeps spiralling out of control from one wrong decision to another, widening its circle of destruction. The final verse of the book gives the summary comments on how something like this can take place:
Judges 21:25 (NKJV)
25 In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.
Everyone did what was right in his own eyes, and it was a total mess. When a marriage is ‘every man for himself,’ chaos is the result.
DAMAGE CONTROL
In marriage, there will be wrong decisions. Mistakes will be made. How can we learn from this story and minimize the destruction and keep things from going from bad to worse? Here are some practical applications:
1. Listen to trusted input.
The Levite in this story had a servant who obviously knew the area and suggested in verse 11, “Let’s stop for the night in Jebus (Jerusalem).” If the man only would have listened to this counsel, none of these problems would have happened.
There are three basic mistakes people make when it comes to listening to advice:
1) They listen too little;
2) They listen too much;
3) They listen to the wrong people.
Develop godly advisors.
I was talking with a troubled wife in my office who was terribly concerned about her marriage. She began by telling me that her husband confesses to being a Christian. He believes in God. He believes in Jesus. He believes that Jesus died for his sins. But he doesn’t believe in going to church. He says that we don’t need church.
Near the end of our lengthy time together she was telling me that her husband told her that he feels unprepared to be a good husband and a good father. He didn’t have a godly example growing up in his father and he complains that he has no one to teach him how to treat his wife, or how to treat his kids, or how to forgive, or any of those types of things.
I actually chuckled at the contradiction: He doesn’t believe in church but he complains that he has no one to mentor or guide him as a Christian. That is what the church does. And it is up to you to make it happen.
I am the poster child for ineptitude. The only way I have survived is because of the input of this church and relationships I have as a result of this church.
Small groups
Get involved. Find role models. How? Start out in a small group and go from there. Our new quarter is beginning in just a few weeks. If you are fairly new, I encourage you to start out in ‘The Core’ Growth Class on Sunday mornings. Find somewhere and start.
2. Admit your bad choices.
A lot of mistakes were made here: Some commentaries say a Levite wasn’t to have a concubine for a wife; the wife shouldn’t have left him and gone back home; she shouldn’t have been unfaithful to him; the man shouldn’t have delayed in leaving his father-in-law’s house; they should’ve stayed in Jebus instead of Gibeah; when the city turned out to be dangerous and inhospitable they should have left; the old man should not have risked his daughter and the Levite’s wife; the Levite should not have let his wife be taken; and on and on it goes. There were a lot of mistakes. One good intentioned mistake seems to lead to another one, until someone gets hurt.
Don’t try to bluff your way through your mistakes. Admit it when you don’t know.
*** VIDEO: Princess Bride (5:00) ***
Three key words: I was wrong.
We are going to practice this life skill. Let’s start with the men. Say with me: “I was wrong.” Is everybody okay? Where there any casualties? Good. Now the ladies: “I was wrong.” All together now: “I was wrong.” You see, you can say it and still survive.
Humility is the starting point of restoration.
Dalene and I used to live across the street from this really nice, large home. We always liked the look of it from the outside. When the family who built it moved out there was an open house, so we went in to check it out.
The house had a very unusual feature. It had a large craft room. But there was only one way to get into the craft room. You had to go into the Master Bedroom and then into the Master Closet. There was a door in the master bedroom closet that led into the craft room. There was no other way into that craft room except through that door. If you didn’t know it was there you would have no way of getting into that room or even knowing that it was there.
There is one way to marriage restoration and that is humility. It is not by proving you’re right and they’re wrong. I’ve never seen that way work. It is not by demanding your way. If you really want restoration there is only one access point: that is humility. Humbling yourself. Admitting your faults. Seeking forgiveness. Repenting of past actions. Unless you’re willing to pass through here, you won’t experience restoration.
3. Don’t let others pay for your bad choices.
This is a hard story for us for a couple of reasons. One reason is that there are no heroes in this story. When you read a story you want to find a hero, the good guy, someone you can cheer for. At first it seems that the Levite is the hero because he goes off to speak kindly to his wife. Then he makes some bad choices and does not end up as a hero. Maybe it’s the wife that you want to cheer for. But she was unfaithful to her husband. The old man in Gibeah seems to be a hero at first, letting the travelers stay in his house. But then he turns out to be a dud when he is willing to sacrifice the women to keep the men safe. That’s not exactly hero material.
Marriage problems are that way, too. People come in to my office to convince me that they are the good guy and their spouse is the bad guy. You know what I’ve learned? There is no ‘good guy.’ Everyone has made mistakes. Searching for the good guy and the bad guy is a waste of time, but that’s all some people want to do.
The hardest part of this story is how one person suffered because of another’s decision. The guy said, “We’re staying at Gibeah,” but he’s not the one that paid the price. This is also the most tragic part of marriage problems. The ones who pay the biggest price are the kids. They are the ones who are sacrificed.
Take full responsibility.
Determine that you will not let anyone else suffer for your mistakes. You take the hit. You absorb the blow, no matter what it takes.
CONCLUSION
This is a tragic story in scripture but it has some redeeming value. It warns us against this type of tragedy taking place in our marriages. A well-intentioned mistake can lead to bigger mistakes and great destruction if it is not corrected. Don’t let that happen to you.
1. Listen to trusted input.
2. Admit your bad choices.
3. Don’t let others pay for your bad choices.
This is sound marriage advice at its finest and its simplest.
The following story has nothing whatsoever to do with this message. It’s just funny.
Montana State Trooper
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3AM one very cold morning, trooper Allan Nixon #648, responded to a call that there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in this rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, PULL OVER!! The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
(I tried to verify this story as truth or fiction but wasn’t able to. It seems to be fiction. But it is still good for a laugh.)
A tragic story
We needed a good, humorous story because the passage of scripture we are dealing with today is, in my opinion, the most tragic story in the entire Bible. It is found in chapter 19 of the book of Judges. Every time we come to this portion of reading in our Life Journal reading schedule I cringe thinking I am going to have to read it and that you are going to be reading it.
The last time I read it in my Bible I prayed, “Lord, there must be some redeeming factor of this story, or else you wouldn’t have put it in here. Please teach me something of value through this story.” And He did. It may not be pretty, but it is valuable.
Judges 19:1-8 (NKJV)
1 And it came to pass in those days, when there was no king in Israel, that there was a certain Levite staying in the remote mountains of Ephraim. He took for himself a concubine (basically a wife of a lower status) from Bethlehem in Judah. 2 But his concubine played the harlot against him, and went away from him to her father’s house at Bethlehem in Judah, and was there four whole months. 3 Then her husband arose and went after her, to speak kindly to her and bring her back, having his servant and a couple of donkeys with him. So she brought him into her father’s house; and when the father of the young woman saw him, he was glad to meet him. 4 Now his father-in-law, the young woman’s father, detained him; and he stayed with him three days. So they ate and drank and lodged there. 5 Then it came to pass on the fourth day that they arose early in the morning, and he stood to depart; but the young woman’s father said to his son-in-law, “Refresh your heart with a morsel of bread, and afterward go your way.” 6 So they sat down, and the two of them ate and drank together. Then the young woman’s father said to the man, “Please be content to stay all night, and let your heart be merry.” 7 And when the man stood to depart, his father-in-law urged him; so he lodged there again. 8 Then he arose early in the morning on the fifth day to depart, but the young woman’s father said, “Please refresh your heart.” So they delayed until afternoon; and both of them ate.
The story begins with smiles and laughter and warmth. The man goes to speak kindly to the woman and to win her. He meets her father, and the father is glad to see him. (There’s a miracle right there. I know, because I have been the father…) They enjoyed each other’s company and stayed three, four, five days. They just couldn’t pull away. What a warm scene. They all start this way…
Nearly all realtionships begin with smiles and good intentions.
I have never had an engaged couple in pre-marital meetings that has told me, “We want to get married because we have never liked each other, we see this relationship as a total disaster and we want it to end in a bitter and destructive way.”
Keeping them there takes effort.
It’s not the start that’s hard, it’s the rest of it. Will you put forth the effort?
Judges 19:9-13 (NKJV)
9 And when the man stood to depart—he and his concubine and his servant—his father-in-law, the young woman’s father, said to him, “Look, the day is now drawing toward evening; please spend the night. See, the day is coming to an end; lodge here, that your heart may be merry. Tomorrow go your way early, so that you may get home.” 10 However, the man was not willing to spend that night; so he rose and departed, and came opposite Jebus (that is, Jerusalem). With him were the two saddled donkeys; his concubine was also with him. 11 They were near Jebus, and the day was far spent; and the servant said to his master, “Come, please, and let us turn aside into this city of the Jebusites and lodge in it.” 12 But his master said to him, “We will not turn aside here into a city of foreigners, who are not of the children of Israel; we will go on to Gibeah.” 13 So he said to his servant, “Come, let us draw near to one of these places, and spend the night in Gibeah or in Ramah.”
This is where the tale turns dark.
When they come to Gibeah, they go into the town square, but no one offers to lodge them, as is expected. Finally, an old man originally from the same city as the Levite offers to put them up for the night. He makes it clear that this is a dangerous city – maybe not a good choice for a stopover.
While they are at the man’s house, men from the town come and beat upon his door, demanding that he give them the stranger they saw in the town square so that they can abuse him sexually. The old man who owned the house tried to reason with them and make a compromise. He said to them, “I’ll give you my virgin daughter or you can have the man’s wife. Do to them whatever you want, but don’t take the man.” What?? What kind of a solution is that? This thing just gets worse and worse.
Ultimately, they take the man’s wife. They raped her and ravaged her all night long until she drags herself to the threshold of the house in the early morning light and dies right there on the doorstop. Doesn’t that infuriate you? But wait, there’s more.
Scripture then says that, when the man wakes up the next morning he finds her there. Wait a minute. “When he wakes up?”
YOU MEAN HE WAS SLEEPING THAT WHOLE TIME???
While this was taking place, he was enjoying a good night’s sleep.
As terrible and inhumane as that sounds, it is happening in marriages even today. Families are being destroyed; women are in great anguish and many men are sound asleep. They don’t know what’s happening and they don’t really seem to care. WAKE UP!
There’s more to this story, but it just keeps spiralling out of control from one wrong decision to another, widening its circle of destruction. The final verse of the book gives the summary comments on how something like this can take place:
Judges 21:25 (NKJV)
25 In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.
Everyone did what was right in his own eyes, and it was a total mess. When a marriage is ‘every man for himself,’ chaos is the result.
DAMAGE CONTROL
In marriage, there will be wrong decisions. Mistakes will be made. How can we learn from this story and minimize the destruction and keep things from going from bad to worse? Here are some practical applications:
1. Listen to trusted input.
The Levite in this story had a servant who obviously knew the area and suggested in verse 11, “Let’s stop for the night in Jebus (Jerusalem).” If the man only would have listened to this counsel, none of these problems would have happened.
There are three basic mistakes people make when it comes to listening to advice:
1) They listen too little;
2) They listen too much;
3) They listen to the wrong people.
Develop godly advisors.
I was talking with a troubled wife in my office who was terribly concerned about her marriage. She began by telling me that her husband confesses to being a Christian. He believes in God. He believes in Jesus. He believes that Jesus died for his sins. But he doesn’t believe in going to church. He says that we don’t need church.
Near the end of our lengthy time together she was telling me that her husband told her that he feels unprepared to be a good husband and a good father. He didn’t have a godly example growing up in his father and he complains that he has no one to teach him how to treat his wife, or how to treat his kids, or how to forgive, or any of those types of things.
I actually chuckled at the contradiction: He doesn’t believe in church but he complains that he has no one to mentor or guide him as a Christian. That is what the church does. And it is up to you to make it happen.
I am the poster child for ineptitude. The only way I have survived is because of the input of this church and relationships I have as a result of this church.
Small groups
Get involved. Find role models. How? Start out in a small group and go from there. Our new quarter is beginning in just a few weeks. If you are fairly new, I encourage you to start out in ‘The Core’ Growth Class on Sunday mornings. Find somewhere and start.
2. Admit your bad choices.
A lot of mistakes were made here: Some commentaries say a Levite wasn’t to have a concubine for a wife; the wife shouldn’t have left him and gone back home; she shouldn’t have been unfaithful to him; the man shouldn’t have delayed in leaving his father-in-law’s house; they should’ve stayed in Jebus instead of Gibeah; when the city turned out to be dangerous and inhospitable they should have left; the old man should not have risked his daughter and the Levite’s wife; the Levite should not have let his wife be taken; and on and on it goes. There were a lot of mistakes. One good intentioned mistake seems to lead to another one, until someone gets hurt.
Don’t try to bluff your way through your mistakes. Admit it when you don’t know.
*** VIDEO: Princess Bride (5:00) ***
Three key words: I was wrong.
We are going to practice this life skill. Let’s start with the men. Say with me: “I was wrong.” Is everybody okay? Where there any casualties? Good. Now the ladies: “I was wrong.” All together now: “I was wrong.” You see, you can say it and still survive.
Humility is the starting point of restoration.
Dalene and I used to live across the street from this really nice, large home. We always liked the look of it from the outside. When the family who built it moved out there was an open house, so we went in to check it out.
The house had a very unusual feature. It had a large craft room. But there was only one way to get into the craft room. You had to go into the Master Bedroom and then into the Master Closet. There was a door in the master bedroom closet that led into the craft room. There was no other way into that craft room except through that door. If you didn’t know it was there you would have no way of getting into that room or even knowing that it was there.
There is one way to marriage restoration and that is humility. It is not by proving you’re right and they’re wrong. I’ve never seen that way work. It is not by demanding your way. If you really want restoration there is only one access point: that is humility. Humbling yourself. Admitting your faults. Seeking forgiveness. Repenting of past actions. Unless you’re willing to pass through here, you won’t experience restoration.
3. Don’t let others pay for your bad choices.
This is a hard story for us for a couple of reasons. One reason is that there are no heroes in this story. When you read a story you want to find a hero, the good guy, someone you can cheer for. At first it seems that the Levite is the hero because he goes off to speak kindly to his wife. Then he makes some bad choices and does not end up as a hero. Maybe it’s the wife that you want to cheer for. But she was unfaithful to her husband. The old man in Gibeah seems to be a hero at first, letting the travelers stay in his house. But then he turns out to be a dud when he is willing to sacrifice the women to keep the men safe. That’s not exactly hero material.
Marriage problems are that way, too. People come in to my office to convince me that they are the good guy and their spouse is the bad guy. You know what I’ve learned? There is no ‘good guy.’ Everyone has made mistakes. Searching for the good guy and the bad guy is a waste of time, but that’s all some people want to do.
The hardest part of this story is how one person suffered because of another’s decision. The guy said, “We’re staying at Gibeah,” but he’s not the one that paid the price. This is also the most tragic part of marriage problems. The ones who pay the biggest price are the kids. They are the ones who are sacrificed.
Take full responsibility.
Determine that you will not let anyone else suffer for your mistakes. You take the hit. You absorb the blow, no matter what it takes.
CONCLUSION
This is a tragic story in scripture but it has some redeeming value. It warns us against this type of tragedy taking place in our marriages. A well-intentioned mistake can lead to bigger mistakes and great destruction if it is not corrected. Don’t let that happen to you.
1. Listen to trusted input.
2. Admit your bad choices.
3. Don’t let others pay for your bad choices.
This is sound marriage advice at its finest and its simplest.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage... Beautiful Empty Houses
Introduction
Dalene and I enjoy going through model homes, especially the expensive, elaborate ones. Each year during the tour of homes here in Salem we get out to at least a few of the homes. We find it very interesting to see the new ways that the builders find to make the homes more impressive each year.
A model family
We live in a fairly new subdivision where, for a long time, there were always model homes open to walk through. Our neighbor who lives right next to one of the model homes told us an interesting story. They had family visiting from out of town one weekend, so they prepared a Saturday morning brunch and went on a walk while the final food items finished cooking. The son-in-law stayed behind so they left the door unlocked. When they returned from their walk, there was a couple in the house that they didn’t recognize. The couple was looking around the house and even snacking from the food on the countertop. One of them remarked, “This is probably the best open house we’ve ever been to.” Our neighbor had to tell them, “This isn’t an open house. We live here and that is our breakfast.” They left immediately, a little embarrassed.
Homes are sold with a lot of amenities, but they don’t come with a family, or with breakfast, as part of the deal. Families are ‘sold seperately.’
What is more important: A lavish, sprawling estate or the family that occupies it? Homes are built for families, not families for homes. It’s the family that is of greater significance. I look around at those elaborate homes and I think, “Wow! If only this kind of design and detail and craftsmanship and expense were put into building the family.”
Empty houses
God gave a warning to the people of Israel through the prophet Isaiah which rings true for us today. The people of Israel were also focusing on houses and land and prosperity but neglecting relationship with Him. Their eyes were on the immediate, not the eternal.
Isaiah 5:8-9 (NKJV) 8 Woe to those who join house to house; They add field to field, Till there is no place where they may dwell alone in the midst of the land! 9 In my hearing the Lord of hosts said, “Truly, many houses shall be desolate, Great and beautiful ones, without inhabitant.”
What good is it to spend all of your time building houses or even building an empire if, in the end, it is empty and desolate? I think that is exactly the state of affairs for many people today. House? Check! Cars? Check! Stuff? Check! Career? Check! Keeping up with the Jones’? Check! Family? Oh well… something has to give. What gives is the one thing that really matters the most.
The dirty little secret of success
I think back to a time when our family was moving into a brand-new house. It was the first new house we had ever lived in. I had made a couple of job moves and received some quick promotions. My salary was far above what I had expected it to be at that time in my life. We had two cars, one was a year old and the other was brand-new. I was put on a nation-wide list of candidates for upper management and executive level positions. My career was soaring. My house was a dream. My family was a nightmare.
At that time of my life I was having the greatest success I had ever known and my family was in the greatest danger. I don’t think it was a coincidence. Only after I made some very deliberate and difficult decisions did that turn around. I made some decisions for family, and I’m so glad I did. Who cares how big your house is if there is nothing left for your family? It’s what’s inside the house that really counts.
HOW TO FILL AN EMPTY HOUSE
You can have a big family and an empty home. Let’s talk about how to fill an empty house – how to fill it in ways that really matter for your family and for all eternity.
When I talk about ‘families’ today I am talking about your household. If you are single, then the things I am saying today apply to you. You are a family. You don’t need a spouse or kids to be a family. They add to a family, but they don’t make you a family. If you are a husband and wife without kids, then you are a family. If you have a dozen kids then you don’t need me to tell you, you are a family.
1. God-centered family values.
Let’s look to Mary, Joseph and Jesus’ family as an example.
Luke 2:41-42 (NKJV) 41 His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. 42 And when He was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem according to the custom of the feast.
This wasn’t a one-time even or somewhat frequent occurrence. They went to the Passover celebration each time it was held. It wasn’t up for discussion. It wasn’t put to a family vote. It wasn’t a matter of whether they felt like it or not. It didn’t depend upon their other activities that were going on. Even if the Nazareth Spitting Camels made it to the Superbowl and they would miss the big game. “Every year…” It was a family value.
Mom and Dad, you take the lead. Now, look what happens:
Luke 4:16 (NKJV) 16 So He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up. And as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up to read.
Notice: “…as His custom was…” Circle the word ‘custom’ in both verses on your outline. Jesus continued the custom that began with His family.
The word here in the Greek is ‘ethos.’ It is the character and nature of the family. You can’t say your family has no customs or values or that you don’t pass those on. That which you customarily do are your customs, and they reveal your values.
RULES IN THE HOME HELP TEENS
The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has released an extensive study on teens and substance abuse. Their main finding was that "teens whose parents have established rules in the house have better relationships with their parents and a substantially lower risk of smoking, drinking, and using illegal drugs than the typical teen."
Out of the 526 girls and 474 boys between ages 12 and 17 evaluated, the study found that only 25% live with parents who establish and enforce rules in the home. These 25% are at less risk for drug abuse than teens whose parents impose few or no rules.
The study discovered that the successful parents habitually did at least 10 of the following 12 actions:
- Monitor what their teens watch on TV.
- Monitor what their teens do on the Internet.
- Put restrictions on the CDs they buy.
- Know where their teens are after school and on weekends.
- Are told the truth by their teens about where they really are going.
- Are "very aware" of their teens academic performance.
- Impose a curfew.
- Make clear they would be "extremely upset" if their teen used pot.
- Eat dinner with their teens six or seven nights a week.
- Turn off the TV during dinner.
- Assign their teen regular chores.
- Have an adult present when the teens return home from school.
Of the teens living in lax homes, only 24% had an exceptionally good relationship with their mothers and 13% with their fathers. Of the teens living in relatively strict homes, 57% had an exceptionally good relationship with their mothers, 47% with their fathers.
The Center's president Joseph A. Califano Jr., former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, comments: "Mothers and fathers who are parents rather than pals can greatly reduce the risk of their children smoking, drinking and using drugs."
(Pete Hartogs, "Study: Rules Improve Parent-Child Relationship," CNN Online (02-21-01); submitted by Jerry De Luca, Montreal, Quebec, Canada)
- Furniture
The family values, or customs, are like the furniture in a house because they fill every part of your home. Without solid family values, you have nothing to rest on. What are the customs, the values, in your family? Are they God-centered?
2. Gracious words.
What kind of speech should fill a home? Is it the kind that fills most homes? Is it the kind that fills your home?
1 Timothy 5:13 (NKJV) 13 And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not.
Scripture says that there are somethings which we ought not say. James also adds to that and says that blessing and cursing should not come from the same mouth.
Ephesians 4:29 (NKJV) 29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
What is good for necessary edification means that which will build others up, not tear them down… that it may impart grace to the hearers. What if, in our homes, the things that were said consistently built each other up and imparted grace to the hearers?
Have you ever been in a room when family members – maybe it was husband and wife or parent and child – got in an argument and started saying things that made you very uncomfortable? Their words were hurtful and sarcastic and disrespectful? How did that make you feel? That’s how we should feel every time we use those kinds of words with others, especially those in our own family.
- Window coverings
The way I see it, gracious words are like the window coverings on a house. It can be very cold and drafty without them, very warm and secure with them. Gracious words let in the sunshine during the day and close out the darkness at night. They maintain respect and privacy.
3. Generous acts.
Words are great, but they must be followed up by actions. The gospels of Matthew, Mark and John all record a generous action by a woman named Mary:
John 12:3 (NKJV) 3 Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil.
Notice, “the house was filled with the fragrance.” Her generosity affected everyone in that house. The whole house was a better place because of her extreme generosity.
She was criticized for her generosity. Some who were there called it a waste. They said she shouldn’t have done such a wasteful thing. I want you to see two things from this example: She did it for Jesus, and everyone benefitted.
She did it for Jesus. When Mary decided to take this very costly gift and use it on this occasion it was because of Jesus. She wanted to honor and to bless Him. It wasn’t about those other people. But in the process…
Everyone benefitted. Even the very ones who criticized her received the aroma and the fragrance of her very costly oil. In order to bless the Lord she had to be generous with others. If she would have decided, “I want to bless the Lord with this aromatic gift, but I don’t want those people who I don’t even like very well to benefit, so I guess I’ll keep it to myself,” then this act of generosity and worship would not have happened.
When you are generous, people may benefit from your generosity who don’t even deserve it. People may benefit from your generosity who don’t appreciate it or even criticise you for it. But be generous, especially with your family. To Jesus, your generosity to others, even your enemies, is a sweet fragrant aroma. Bless the Lord by being generous with your family.
The secret of generosity
Dalene and I were talking to some friends from church the other day. They have two cute little kids, a boy and a girl, and are planning a trip to Disneyland next year. They want to teach the kids about saving and told the kids that they needed to save spending money for the trip. They got a very large plastic bottle and told the kids to put their money in the bottle.
At first, both of them put a penny here and a penny there. It wasn’t exactly going to pay for the trip. They had another talk with the kids and said if they wanted money to spend at Disneyland they needed to save more than that.
Right after that, Mom noticed that her little girl was putting a lot of money in the bottle. One day she got $15 and put it all in the bottle. That’s like a full month’s salary! This was a big change from before. Mom told her daughter that she didn’t have to put all of her money in the saving bottle. Her little girl said, “I figured out if I want to buy anything you buy it for me, so I can put everything in the bottle.”
As I thought about that comment I realized she understood the secret of generosity. If I really believe that God will take care of my every need, then I can afford to be generous. And generosity is fun!
- Decor
Generosity is like the beautiful items of decoration that are put all around the home. They are unique, individual, very personal and are enjoyed by everyone alike. What if our homes were filled with generous acts for one another? You start it.
4. Gladness of heart.
Make gladness of heart a custom of your family. As a family, have fun. Enjoy life. Make time for games and for get-aways and for laughter.
Acts 2:46 (NKJV) 46 So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart.
Circle the word ‘gladness.’ That word in the Greek (ἀγαλλίασις / agalliasis) literally means to leap or to spring up or gush up a lot. Our homes are supposed to be places of gladness of heart. Is yours? Have you done anthing fun lately? Have you laughed with your family lately? Make it a priority.
- Lights
Laughter in the home is like turning the light on. It makes the home a bright place to go when everything else is dark and gray.
Conclusion
Cheaper by the Dozen
As we conclude, watch this clip from the movie ‘Cheaper by the Dozen.’ It sums up the main thing we have been talking about today. What’s a higher priority for you: your house or your home? What dream are you following?
*** VIDEO: CheaperByDozen_vcd (3:21) ***
Dalene and I enjoy going through model homes, especially the expensive, elaborate ones. Each year during the tour of homes here in Salem we get out to at least a few of the homes. We find it very interesting to see the new ways that the builders find to make the homes more impressive each year.
A model family
We live in a fairly new subdivision where, for a long time, there were always model homes open to walk through. Our neighbor who lives right next to one of the model homes told us an interesting story. They had family visiting from out of town one weekend, so they prepared a Saturday morning brunch and went on a walk while the final food items finished cooking. The son-in-law stayed behind so they left the door unlocked. When they returned from their walk, there was a couple in the house that they didn’t recognize. The couple was looking around the house and even snacking from the food on the countertop. One of them remarked, “This is probably the best open house we’ve ever been to.” Our neighbor had to tell them, “This isn’t an open house. We live here and that is our breakfast.” They left immediately, a little embarrassed.
Homes are sold with a lot of amenities, but they don’t come with a family, or with breakfast, as part of the deal. Families are ‘sold seperately.’
What is more important: A lavish, sprawling estate or the family that occupies it? Homes are built for families, not families for homes. It’s the family that is of greater significance. I look around at those elaborate homes and I think, “Wow! If only this kind of design and detail and craftsmanship and expense were put into building the family.”
Empty houses
God gave a warning to the people of Israel through the prophet Isaiah which rings true for us today. The people of Israel were also focusing on houses and land and prosperity but neglecting relationship with Him. Their eyes were on the immediate, not the eternal.
Isaiah 5:8-9 (NKJV) 8 Woe to those who join house to house; They add field to field, Till there is no place where they may dwell alone in the midst of the land! 9 In my hearing the Lord of hosts said, “Truly, many houses shall be desolate, Great and beautiful ones, without inhabitant.”
What good is it to spend all of your time building houses or even building an empire if, in the end, it is empty and desolate? I think that is exactly the state of affairs for many people today. House? Check! Cars? Check! Stuff? Check! Career? Check! Keeping up with the Jones’? Check! Family? Oh well… something has to give. What gives is the one thing that really matters the most.
The dirty little secret of success
I think back to a time when our family was moving into a brand-new house. It was the first new house we had ever lived in. I had made a couple of job moves and received some quick promotions. My salary was far above what I had expected it to be at that time in my life. We had two cars, one was a year old and the other was brand-new. I was put on a nation-wide list of candidates for upper management and executive level positions. My career was soaring. My house was a dream. My family was a nightmare.
At that time of my life I was having the greatest success I had ever known and my family was in the greatest danger. I don’t think it was a coincidence. Only after I made some very deliberate and difficult decisions did that turn around. I made some decisions for family, and I’m so glad I did. Who cares how big your house is if there is nothing left for your family? It’s what’s inside the house that really counts.
HOW TO FILL AN EMPTY HOUSE
You can have a big family and an empty home. Let’s talk about how to fill an empty house – how to fill it in ways that really matter for your family and for all eternity.
When I talk about ‘families’ today I am talking about your household. If you are single, then the things I am saying today apply to you. You are a family. You don’t need a spouse or kids to be a family. They add to a family, but they don’t make you a family. If you are a husband and wife without kids, then you are a family. If you have a dozen kids then you don’t need me to tell you, you are a family.
1. God-centered family values.
Let’s look to Mary, Joseph and Jesus’ family as an example.
Luke 2:41-42 (NKJV) 41 His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. 42 And when He was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem according to the custom of the feast.
This wasn’t a one-time even or somewhat frequent occurrence. They went to the Passover celebration each time it was held. It wasn’t up for discussion. It wasn’t put to a family vote. It wasn’t a matter of whether they felt like it or not. It didn’t depend upon their other activities that were going on. Even if the Nazareth Spitting Camels made it to the Superbowl and they would miss the big game. “Every year…” It was a family value.
Mom and Dad, you take the lead. Now, look what happens:
Luke 4:16 (NKJV) 16 So He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up. And as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up to read.
Notice: “…as His custom was…” Circle the word ‘custom’ in both verses on your outline. Jesus continued the custom that began with His family.
The word here in the Greek is ‘ethos.’ It is the character and nature of the family. You can’t say your family has no customs or values or that you don’t pass those on. That which you customarily do are your customs, and they reveal your values.
RULES IN THE HOME HELP TEENS
The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has released an extensive study on teens and substance abuse. Their main finding was that "teens whose parents have established rules in the house have better relationships with their parents and a substantially lower risk of smoking, drinking, and using illegal drugs than the typical teen."
Out of the 526 girls and 474 boys between ages 12 and 17 evaluated, the study found that only 25% live with parents who establish and enforce rules in the home. These 25% are at less risk for drug abuse than teens whose parents impose few or no rules.
The study discovered that the successful parents habitually did at least 10 of the following 12 actions:
- Monitor what their teens watch on TV.
- Monitor what their teens do on the Internet.
- Put restrictions on the CDs they buy.
- Know where their teens are after school and on weekends.
- Are told the truth by their teens about where they really are going.
- Are "very aware" of their teens academic performance.
- Impose a curfew.
- Make clear they would be "extremely upset" if their teen used pot.
- Eat dinner with their teens six or seven nights a week.
- Turn off the TV during dinner.
- Assign their teen regular chores.
- Have an adult present when the teens return home from school.
Of the teens living in lax homes, only 24% had an exceptionally good relationship with their mothers and 13% with their fathers. Of the teens living in relatively strict homes, 57% had an exceptionally good relationship with their mothers, 47% with their fathers.
The Center's president Joseph A. Califano Jr., former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, comments: "Mothers and fathers who are parents rather than pals can greatly reduce the risk of their children smoking, drinking and using drugs."
(Pete Hartogs, "Study: Rules Improve Parent-Child Relationship," CNN Online (02-21-01); submitted by Jerry De Luca, Montreal, Quebec, Canada)
- Furniture
The family values, or customs, are like the furniture in a house because they fill every part of your home. Without solid family values, you have nothing to rest on. What are the customs, the values, in your family? Are they God-centered?
2. Gracious words.
What kind of speech should fill a home? Is it the kind that fills most homes? Is it the kind that fills your home?
1 Timothy 5:13 (NKJV) 13 And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not.
Scripture says that there are somethings which we ought not say. James also adds to that and says that blessing and cursing should not come from the same mouth.
Ephesians 4:29 (NKJV) 29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
What is good for necessary edification means that which will build others up, not tear them down… that it may impart grace to the hearers. What if, in our homes, the things that were said consistently built each other up and imparted grace to the hearers?
Have you ever been in a room when family members – maybe it was husband and wife or parent and child – got in an argument and started saying things that made you very uncomfortable? Their words were hurtful and sarcastic and disrespectful? How did that make you feel? That’s how we should feel every time we use those kinds of words with others, especially those in our own family.
- Window coverings
The way I see it, gracious words are like the window coverings on a house. It can be very cold and drafty without them, very warm and secure with them. Gracious words let in the sunshine during the day and close out the darkness at night. They maintain respect and privacy.
3. Generous acts.
Words are great, but they must be followed up by actions. The gospels of Matthew, Mark and John all record a generous action by a woman named Mary:
John 12:3 (NKJV) 3 Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil.
Notice, “the house was filled with the fragrance.” Her generosity affected everyone in that house. The whole house was a better place because of her extreme generosity.
She was criticized for her generosity. Some who were there called it a waste. They said she shouldn’t have done such a wasteful thing. I want you to see two things from this example: She did it for Jesus, and everyone benefitted.
She did it for Jesus. When Mary decided to take this very costly gift and use it on this occasion it was because of Jesus. She wanted to honor and to bless Him. It wasn’t about those other people. But in the process…
Everyone benefitted. Even the very ones who criticized her received the aroma and the fragrance of her very costly oil. In order to bless the Lord she had to be generous with others. If she would have decided, “I want to bless the Lord with this aromatic gift, but I don’t want those people who I don’t even like very well to benefit, so I guess I’ll keep it to myself,” then this act of generosity and worship would not have happened.
When you are generous, people may benefit from your generosity who don’t even deserve it. People may benefit from your generosity who don’t appreciate it or even criticise you for it. But be generous, especially with your family. To Jesus, your generosity to others, even your enemies, is a sweet fragrant aroma. Bless the Lord by being generous with your family.
The secret of generosity
Dalene and I were talking to some friends from church the other day. They have two cute little kids, a boy and a girl, and are planning a trip to Disneyland next year. They want to teach the kids about saving and told the kids that they needed to save spending money for the trip. They got a very large plastic bottle and told the kids to put their money in the bottle.
At first, both of them put a penny here and a penny there. It wasn’t exactly going to pay for the trip. They had another talk with the kids and said if they wanted money to spend at Disneyland they needed to save more than that.
Right after that, Mom noticed that her little girl was putting a lot of money in the bottle. One day she got $15 and put it all in the bottle. That’s like a full month’s salary! This was a big change from before. Mom told her daughter that she didn’t have to put all of her money in the saving bottle. Her little girl said, “I figured out if I want to buy anything you buy it for me, so I can put everything in the bottle.”
As I thought about that comment I realized she understood the secret of generosity. If I really believe that God will take care of my every need, then I can afford to be generous. And generosity is fun!
- Decor
Generosity is like the beautiful items of decoration that are put all around the home. They are unique, individual, very personal and are enjoyed by everyone alike. What if our homes were filled with generous acts for one another? You start it.
4. Gladness of heart.
Make gladness of heart a custom of your family. As a family, have fun. Enjoy life. Make time for games and for get-aways and for laughter.
Acts 2:46 (NKJV) 46 So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart.
Circle the word ‘gladness.’ That word in the Greek (ἀγαλλίασις / agalliasis) literally means to leap or to spring up or gush up a lot. Our homes are supposed to be places of gladness of heart. Is yours? Have you done anthing fun lately? Have you laughed with your family lately? Make it a priority.
- Lights
Laughter in the home is like turning the light on. It makes the home a bright place to go when everything else is dark and gray.
Conclusion
Cheaper by the Dozen
As we conclude, watch this clip from the movie ‘Cheaper by the Dozen.’ It sums up the main thing we have been talking about today. What’s a higher priority for you: your house or your home? What dream are you following?
*** VIDEO: CheaperByDozen_vcd (3:21) ***
First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage... Better Not To Marry?
Introduction
Throughout the summer we will have some guest speakers coming (such as Dan Stewart next weekend), and some special events (such as our Family Service and picnic in the park on July 8th). It is going to be a great summer.
When I have an opportunity to share, I will be talking about the family. We are calling this summertime series, “First comes love, then comes marriage…” You can get the rest from there.
I considered two different working subtitles for this series:
Subtitle 1: “Putting the fun in dysfunctional.”
Subtitle 2: “Not your typical series on the family.”
Together, they pretty much describe the series. I want to go to scripture and deal honestly and squarely with some of the real problems and challenges that we face in marriage and in raising our children. I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture, but deal with the real nitty-gritty. I hope we can have some fun along the way.
“I am your father”
Let’s begin with a video clip. Everyone has trouble raising kids and negotiating the parent/child relationship. Here’s one famous example of that struggle.
*** VIDEO: “StarWars06302007” ***
Did that look familiar? It’s the same old story… Dad wants son to take over the family business and rule the galaxy… Dad doesn’t understand son… Son thinks dad takes his work a little too seriously… this leads to misunderstanding and conflict… a light saber battle ensues… Son gets his hand cut off… yada, yada, yada… time for the next sequel.
Quotes
The family is a strong and enduring theme in movies, on TV, in literature and in life. Darth Vader isn’t the only one who struggles with family issues. We all have strong feelings about family. Here are some quotes I found:
The family seems to have two predominant functions: to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.
-Donald G. Smith
In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
-Alex Haley (author of ‘Roots’)
The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
-Thomas Jefferson
Let’s begin to see what the Bible has to say about marriage and the family. Over the course of this series we will be looking to the Bible and discussing issues like: blame, fantasy, adultery, success, mistakes… family stuff.
Today we begin and it is a bit of an introduction for what is to come.
Matthew 19:3 (NKJV) 3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
The Pharisees were bringing up a very touchy subject. It was touchy then, and it is touchy now. It is the subject of divorce. The controversy then centered around an Old Testament verse that is also referenced in verse 7 of this passage. It is in the book of Deuteronomy:
Deuteronomy 24:1 (NKJV) 1 “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house,
There were two common theological schools of thought at this time on the legal practices of divorce. One was associated with the school of Hillel and the other with the school of Shammai.
The school of Shammai was much more strict and much less popular. It said legally divorce was allowed only for matters of unchastity or sexual impurity. The school of Hillel, in contrast, was much more liberal and much more popular. It taught that the ‘uncleanness’ referenced in Deuteronomy 24 refers to any unpleasant trait that causes one to lose favor in the eyes of the other: If she burns the toast; If he makes a dumb decision; If she spends more money than he wants her to; If he took a job that she didn’t like; These would all be causes for divorce. If you see this passage as a command, then not only are you permitted to divorce in these situations, but it is your duty in following the commands of God.
The Pharisees here were trying to catch Jesus in a trap that had both legal and popularity ramifications. Jesus didn’t deal with the issue in those terms. He refuses to deal with marriage from a legal or popular opinion point of view, but from a creation point of view. He gives the discussion its proper context. Watch:
Matthew 19:4-12 (NKJV) 4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’ ? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” 10 His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: 12 For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”
Jesus totally redirected and reformatted the entire discussion about the reality, permanence and importance of marriage and the family. We may need to have our thinking reformatted again today.
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
Marriage is not merely a legally contracted arrangement. It is not a matter open to the whims and decisions of popular opinion. It is a supernatural relationship arranged by God before there was a legal system and before there was a populus.
From this passage, I would like to make a couple of observations and give some practical advice.
1. Marriage and the family make up the greatest institution in the galaxy.
I have great fear that this may in some way be understated, so I used the word galaxy. Maybe I should have gone beyond that. We tragically underestimate the importance and significance of marriage and of the family. That is what the Pharisees were doing then and that is what many do today.
What God has joined together
Look at that key phrase in verse 6: “…what God has joined together…” [Let’s say that together] Marriage is a miraculous relationship that God Himself fuses together. There is no other relationship or institution that can make that incredible claim.
Marriage is not subject to the legal system, it predates the legal system. Marriage is not subject to popular opinion. There was only one person on the planet when God came up with the idea, and he slept through most of it. Marriage is God’s doing. It is God taking one man and one woman and fusing them together spiritually, making the two one, through a sexual union. We can’t, even if we want to, come along and make changes to it.
Repainting your car
I can’t come over and paint your car if I don’t like the color. It doesn’t belong to me. To an even greater degree, I can’t change what marriage is. It doesn’t belong to me. No matter what people decide to do to the legal marriage, or the popular opinion of marriage, it doesn’t change God’s creation of marriage. You won’t repaint His car.
Divorce? What’s that?
In verse nine Jesus says, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” God doesn’t understand what divorce is. He doesn’t recognize it. God understands broken covenant, but He doesn’t understand divorce.
Divorce is a myth, like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. A legal divorce assumes that marriage is legally created, and it is not. Marriage is the greatest institution in the galaxy whereby God creates an indissolvable bond that no force on earth can separate. How cool is that?
2. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Look at the disciple’s response to Jesus’ teaching on the subject. I love their honest response, “If marriage is that serious of a thing, Lord, if it can’t be dissolved, then maybe it would be better not even to get married at all.” Good! When that is your response, then maybe you understand the seriousness with which God views marriage.
It is our goal in premarital counseling sessions with young couples not to break up their marriage plans, but to bring about this understanding.
Lindsay’s anniversary card
One of our daughters gave Dalene and I each a gift on our anniversary this month. With my gift came this note:
“Dad, Happy Anniversary! I love you so much and I want to say thank you for working through everything that got in the way of you and mom being happily married. Not many kids can say that their parents have been married for so long.” Lindsay
Her note shows some mature understanding that happy marriages don’t just happen. They take some work. And all the work is worth it!
A volunteer comittment
When the going gets tough can I remind you of something? You volunteered for the assignment. When I was in the army and someone would start complaining about their assignment, I would hear a sergeant say, “Last I checked this is a volunteer army. There is no draft, soldier. No one held a gun up to your head. You volunteered.” The fact that marriage is tough and still people are volunteering says the benefits are pretty good. There is no ‘marriage draft’. Don’t forget the benefits that you enjoy. In fact, in response to the disciples’ comment that it may be better not to marry, Jesus candidly says, “Yeah, but not many people are willing to pass up the benefits.”
To those who unmarried
Jesus said it isn’t easy being single. Those who are single, for whatever reason, deserve our high esteem and great honor.
3. Take some practical advice:
- Check your thinking.
Have you lowered marriage, like the Pharisees had, to a rule, a legal arrangement or a matter for popular opinion. It is a covenant that God honors and that He takes very seriously. Do you understand its gravity?
- Make your marriage your highest priority.
(Apart from your personal relationship with God.) Make sure your resources, your attention and your strength are committed first to your marriage before any other thing. (1 Cor. 7:32-34)
1 Corinthians 7 speaks of marriage. Notice what is said in verses 32-33, “But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife.”
The Apostle Paul is saying that once you’re married your priority rightly becomes pleasing your wife (and verse 34 says for a woman, pleasing her husband.). Look at the high priority given to pleasing your spouse.
- Eliminate ‘back doors.’
If the back door of divorce or the back door of impurity is left open in your marriage you will be robbed blind of joy in your marriage.
I was talking with a man who was physically separated from his wife and there was talk of divorce. We had quite a bit of discussion on the topic. He had decided not to pursue divorce but then, because of some input from co-workers, was unsure. He said to me, “I’m just going to wait on God and see what His will is.”
I had good news for him, “You don’t have to wait. I can tell you right now without question what God’s will is in this area. It is not divorce.”
- Grow spiritually.
The greatest single key to your marriage relationship is your spiritual health. The greatest marriage manual of all time is the Bible. The greatest threat to your marriage is not attack but apathy.
We have been told that the divorce rate for Christians and non-Christians are virtually identical. This isn’t quite true. Bradley Wright, Associate Professor at the University of Connecticut, using data collected from the General Social Survey (National Opinion Research Center, University of Chicago) calculated what percentage of Christian respondents were divorced by how frequently they attend church. The results are amazing:
49% Never attend church
46% Less than once a year
46% About once or twice a year
42% Several times a year
42% About once a month
41% Two or three times a month
31% Nearly every week
27% Every week (Nearly one-half of those who never attend church)
Where consistent spiritual growth is a priority, divorce rates change radically.
Conclusion
Having said all this, can I share with you this church’s stance on divorce, and then I’d like to tell you one final story.
The direction to our entire pastoral staff is: Never counsel towards divorce. No matter what the circumstance, always counsel towards reconciliation. There may be safety issues to consider and physical protection to be given (we have done that), but we will never counsel towards divorce. Our goal is always reconciliation and restoration.
This is the other thing you have to know about us: Our love here is unconditional. I have met with people who, contrary to my counsel, have sought divorce. I have not loved them or cared for them any less. I do not feel that care and ministry are to be used as tools of manipulation to get you to do what I say.
To those who have been divorced, you have my deepest love and acceptance. Condemnation has no place in this discussion.
From bad to great to tragic
I got a call many years ago from a man who was in tears over his marriage. I knew this man very well and this was absolutely uncharacteristic of him. He never cried for any reason. Here he was bawling on the other end of the phone.
He was an alcoholic and his wife was tired of it. He and his wife were separated. Now she was seeing someone else and he was in danger of losing his wife and his kids. He was desperate and hopeless. He called out to God and committed his life to following Him no matter what. God miraculously touched this man. He delivered him from alcohol and restored his marriage and his family. He couldn’t believe it. He was so grateful for what God had done. He had such renewed hope and life. He owed it all to God.
He got his family in church again. They came regularly and were being changed. Then, little by little, things got in the way. He stopped coming and fell into old habits. After a few years free from alcohol he started drinking again. I saw him a couple weeks ago. He and his wife are divorced, and he’s right back to where he was. God gave him victory and he squandered it through neglect. Don’t let that happen to you.
Throughout the summer we will have some guest speakers coming (such as Dan Stewart next weekend), and some special events (such as our Family Service and picnic in the park on July 8th). It is going to be a great summer.
When I have an opportunity to share, I will be talking about the family. We are calling this summertime series, “First comes love, then comes marriage…” You can get the rest from there.
I considered two different working subtitles for this series:
Subtitle 1: “Putting the fun in dysfunctional.”
Subtitle 2: “Not your typical series on the family.”
Together, they pretty much describe the series. I want to go to scripture and deal honestly and squarely with some of the real problems and challenges that we face in marriage and in raising our children. I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture, but deal with the real nitty-gritty. I hope we can have some fun along the way.
“I am your father”
Let’s begin with a video clip. Everyone has trouble raising kids and negotiating the parent/child relationship. Here’s one famous example of that struggle.
*** VIDEO: “StarWars06302007” ***
Did that look familiar? It’s the same old story… Dad wants son to take over the family business and rule the galaxy… Dad doesn’t understand son… Son thinks dad takes his work a little too seriously… this leads to misunderstanding and conflict… a light saber battle ensues… Son gets his hand cut off… yada, yada, yada… time for the next sequel.
Quotes
The family is a strong and enduring theme in movies, on TV, in literature and in life. Darth Vader isn’t the only one who struggles with family issues. We all have strong feelings about family. Here are some quotes I found:
The family seems to have two predominant functions: to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.
-Donald G. Smith
In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
-Alex Haley (author of ‘Roots’)
The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
-Thomas Jefferson
Let’s begin to see what the Bible has to say about marriage and the family. Over the course of this series we will be looking to the Bible and discussing issues like: blame, fantasy, adultery, success, mistakes… family stuff.
Today we begin and it is a bit of an introduction for what is to come.
Matthew 19:3 (NKJV) 3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
The Pharisees were bringing up a very touchy subject. It was touchy then, and it is touchy now. It is the subject of divorce. The controversy then centered around an Old Testament verse that is also referenced in verse 7 of this passage. It is in the book of Deuteronomy:
Deuteronomy 24:1 (NKJV) 1 “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house,
There were two common theological schools of thought at this time on the legal practices of divorce. One was associated with the school of Hillel and the other with the school of Shammai.
The school of Shammai was much more strict and much less popular. It said legally divorce was allowed only for matters of unchastity or sexual impurity. The school of Hillel, in contrast, was much more liberal and much more popular. It taught that the ‘uncleanness’ referenced in Deuteronomy 24 refers to any unpleasant trait that causes one to lose favor in the eyes of the other: If she burns the toast; If he makes a dumb decision; If she spends more money than he wants her to; If he took a job that she didn’t like; These would all be causes for divorce. If you see this passage as a command, then not only are you permitted to divorce in these situations, but it is your duty in following the commands of God.
The Pharisees here were trying to catch Jesus in a trap that had both legal and popularity ramifications. Jesus didn’t deal with the issue in those terms. He refuses to deal with marriage from a legal or popular opinion point of view, but from a creation point of view. He gives the discussion its proper context. Watch:
Matthew 19:4-12 (NKJV) 4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’ ? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” 10 His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: 12 For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”
Jesus totally redirected and reformatted the entire discussion about the reality, permanence and importance of marriage and the family. We may need to have our thinking reformatted again today.
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
Marriage is not merely a legally contracted arrangement. It is not a matter open to the whims and decisions of popular opinion. It is a supernatural relationship arranged by God before there was a legal system and before there was a populus.
From this passage, I would like to make a couple of observations and give some practical advice.
1. Marriage and the family make up the greatest institution in the galaxy.
I have great fear that this may in some way be understated, so I used the word galaxy. Maybe I should have gone beyond that. We tragically underestimate the importance and significance of marriage and of the family. That is what the Pharisees were doing then and that is what many do today.
What God has joined together
Look at that key phrase in verse 6: “…what God has joined together…” [Let’s say that together] Marriage is a miraculous relationship that God Himself fuses together. There is no other relationship or institution that can make that incredible claim.
Marriage is not subject to the legal system, it predates the legal system. Marriage is not subject to popular opinion. There was only one person on the planet when God came up with the idea, and he slept through most of it. Marriage is God’s doing. It is God taking one man and one woman and fusing them together spiritually, making the two one, through a sexual union. We can’t, even if we want to, come along and make changes to it.
Repainting your car
I can’t come over and paint your car if I don’t like the color. It doesn’t belong to me. To an even greater degree, I can’t change what marriage is. It doesn’t belong to me. No matter what people decide to do to the legal marriage, or the popular opinion of marriage, it doesn’t change God’s creation of marriage. You won’t repaint His car.
Divorce? What’s that?
In verse nine Jesus says, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” God doesn’t understand what divorce is. He doesn’t recognize it. God understands broken covenant, but He doesn’t understand divorce.
Divorce is a myth, like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. A legal divorce assumes that marriage is legally created, and it is not. Marriage is the greatest institution in the galaxy whereby God creates an indissolvable bond that no force on earth can separate. How cool is that?
2. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Look at the disciple’s response to Jesus’ teaching on the subject. I love their honest response, “If marriage is that serious of a thing, Lord, if it can’t be dissolved, then maybe it would be better not even to get married at all.” Good! When that is your response, then maybe you understand the seriousness with which God views marriage.
It is our goal in premarital counseling sessions with young couples not to break up their marriage plans, but to bring about this understanding.
Lindsay’s anniversary card
One of our daughters gave Dalene and I each a gift on our anniversary this month. With my gift came this note:
“Dad, Happy Anniversary! I love you so much and I want to say thank you for working through everything that got in the way of you and mom being happily married. Not many kids can say that their parents have been married for so long.” Lindsay
Her note shows some mature understanding that happy marriages don’t just happen. They take some work. And all the work is worth it!
A volunteer comittment
When the going gets tough can I remind you of something? You volunteered for the assignment. When I was in the army and someone would start complaining about their assignment, I would hear a sergeant say, “Last I checked this is a volunteer army. There is no draft, soldier. No one held a gun up to your head. You volunteered.” The fact that marriage is tough and still people are volunteering says the benefits are pretty good. There is no ‘marriage draft’. Don’t forget the benefits that you enjoy. In fact, in response to the disciples’ comment that it may be better not to marry, Jesus candidly says, “Yeah, but not many people are willing to pass up the benefits.”
To those who unmarried
Jesus said it isn’t easy being single. Those who are single, for whatever reason, deserve our high esteem and great honor.
3. Take some practical advice:
- Check your thinking.
Have you lowered marriage, like the Pharisees had, to a rule, a legal arrangement or a matter for popular opinion. It is a covenant that God honors and that He takes very seriously. Do you understand its gravity?
- Make your marriage your highest priority.
(Apart from your personal relationship with God.) Make sure your resources, your attention and your strength are committed first to your marriage before any other thing. (1 Cor. 7:32-34)
1 Corinthians 7 speaks of marriage. Notice what is said in verses 32-33, “But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife.”
The Apostle Paul is saying that once you’re married your priority rightly becomes pleasing your wife (and verse 34 says for a woman, pleasing her husband.). Look at the high priority given to pleasing your spouse.
- Eliminate ‘back doors.’
If the back door of divorce or the back door of impurity is left open in your marriage you will be robbed blind of joy in your marriage.
I was talking with a man who was physically separated from his wife and there was talk of divorce. We had quite a bit of discussion on the topic. He had decided not to pursue divorce but then, because of some input from co-workers, was unsure. He said to me, “I’m just going to wait on God and see what His will is.”
I had good news for him, “You don’t have to wait. I can tell you right now without question what God’s will is in this area. It is not divorce.”
- Grow spiritually.
The greatest single key to your marriage relationship is your spiritual health. The greatest marriage manual of all time is the Bible. The greatest threat to your marriage is not attack but apathy.
We have been told that the divorce rate for Christians and non-Christians are virtually identical. This isn’t quite true. Bradley Wright, Associate Professor at the University of Connecticut, using data collected from the General Social Survey (National Opinion Research Center, University of Chicago) calculated what percentage of Christian respondents were divorced by how frequently they attend church. The results are amazing:
49% Never attend church
46% Less than once a year
46% About once or twice a year
42% Several times a year
42% About once a month
41% Two or three times a month
31% Nearly every week
27% Every week (Nearly one-half of those who never attend church)
Where consistent spiritual growth is a priority, divorce rates change radically.
Conclusion
Having said all this, can I share with you this church’s stance on divorce, and then I’d like to tell you one final story.
The direction to our entire pastoral staff is: Never counsel towards divorce. No matter what the circumstance, always counsel towards reconciliation. There may be safety issues to consider and physical protection to be given (we have done that), but we will never counsel towards divorce. Our goal is always reconciliation and restoration.
This is the other thing you have to know about us: Our love here is unconditional. I have met with people who, contrary to my counsel, have sought divorce. I have not loved them or cared for them any less. I do not feel that care and ministry are to be used as tools of manipulation to get you to do what I say.
To those who have been divorced, you have my deepest love and acceptance. Condemnation has no place in this discussion.
From bad to great to tragic
I got a call many years ago from a man who was in tears over his marriage. I knew this man very well and this was absolutely uncharacteristic of him. He never cried for any reason. Here he was bawling on the other end of the phone.
He was an alcoholic and his wife was tired of it. He and his wife were separated. Now she was seeing someone else and he was in danger of losing his wife and his kids. He was desperate and hopeless. He called out to God and committed his life to following Him no matter what. God miraculously touched this man. He delivered him from alcohol and restored his marriage and his family. He couldn’t believe it. He was so grateful for what God had done. He had such renewed hope and life. He owed it all to God.
He got his family in church again. They came regularly and were being changed. Then, little by little, things got in the way. He stopped coming and fell into old habits. After a few years free from alcohol he started drinking again. I saw him a couple weeks ago. He and his wife are divorced, and he’s right back to where he was. God gave him victory and he squandered it through neglect. Don’t let that happen to you.
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