A family’s ultimate grief
When I came here as senior pastor over nine years ago, there was a family in this church who was going through a very difficult grief: the death of their son who was nearly twenty years old. The loss of a child is a difficult thing to go through. I have walked through it with too many people who are a part of this congregation. There is never anything that can be said or done to make it easy.
This family had lost their son. Not only had they lost their son, but he had been murdered. He had gotten involved with the wrong crowd, there were drugs involved and he had been shot. Of course, this compounds the grief.
And then, when I came into the picture, this couple was going through the trial for those who were accused of killing their son. They sat, day after day, listening to testimony of what happened, and how it happened, and who was involved. They relived the horror again and again. Grief added upon grief.
I didn’t feel like there was much I could do. This couple hadn’t been an overly active part of the church and hadn’t made a lot of friends at the church. At first, I didn’t know them all that well. What could I do? All I could do was sit with them. So I did. Every opportunity I had I went down to the courtroom and sat there beside them. I felt some of their grief, but only a small fraction.
When the trial was over, they were even more withdrawn than ever. They were so hurt, especially her. How could they function? How could they go on with life when their life had been altered so much? We had some conversations, but they had a lot more questions than I had answers. I listened and I cared, but I didn’t fix anything.
I tried to keep contact with them. Sometimes they would come around church, sometimes they wouldn’t. When they did I tried to reach out to them because no one else knew the situation. No one had relationship with them.
It took some time. At first, there was no desire to move on in any way. That was understandable. Then there were the questions, “Can we ever move on?” Questions are good. It was the first sign of life. The ‘can we ever’ questions then became the ‘how can we’ questions. From possibility to process. Good. Step by step.
After a time I saw them beginning to reach out and make friends here at church. They began going to smaller group gatherings that were available. They were still hurting, but they were starting to breathe again. People began to know them, and like them. They are a wonderful couple with a lot to offer.
I remember the day – it was a huge step – when they said they wanted to talk with me. I got together with them and it was the wife who told me that through the recovery of this great grief there had been people there who had helped them get through what they had gone through. The ones who were most beneficial to them were those who had also lost children in tragic circumstances. It wasn’t even that they had any particular wisdom or knowledge that anyone else had, but they had been through it themselves. Just being with them, seeing that they had made it, was what kept this couple going.
The wife continued, “We want you to know that if there is ever anyone here at the church that is in a similar circumstance, we want to be available to meet with them and be a support to them. We understand.” This was the step out of darkness and into sunlight for them: from grieving to relieving the grief of others.
This couple began serving in many ways, not hiding in their grief but pouring out to others in relationship and in sharing the good news of God, Who was faithful to them in their time of grief. I watched them bloom beautifully.
They had to move away, unfortunately, but have continued to bloom in the new city and the new church where God has placed them. We still keep in touch. They still come around when they are in town. They are thriving, not just surviving. They are a part of church leadership, leading to potential full-time ministry. Last year they went to Israel and were a part of the International Foursquare Convention in Jerusalem.
Everyone deals with times of grief
Grief is something that is very personal and individual, and yet, at the same time, is something that we all have in common. Grieving is a part of life.
*** Video clip: gravestones ***
watch clip
Let me read you a particular passage in scripture about God and our grief. It is in the book of psalms, written by David.
Psalm 56:1-9 (NKJV)
1 To the Chief Musician. Set to “The Silent Dove in Distant Lands.” a Michtam of David When the Philistines Captured Him in Gath. Be merciful to me, O God, for man would swallow me up; Fighting all day he oppresses me. 2 My enemies would hound me all day, For there are many who fight against me, O Most High. 3 Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. 4 In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? 5 All day they twist my words; All their thoughts are against me for evil. 6 They gather together, They hide, they mark my steps, When they lie in wait for my life. 7 Shall they escape by iniquity? In anger cast down the peoples, O God! 8 You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? 9 When I cry out to You, Then my enemies will turn back; This I know, because God is for me.
Now, let’s read together verse 8, on the top of your outlines:
Psalm 56:8 (NKJV)
8 You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?
What can we make from this passage, especially from this phrase, “(You) put my tears in Your bottle?”
TEARS IN A BOTTLE
I think this is one of the most tender portions of the Bible that speaks of God’s love. There are more direct portions, like where it says “God is love.” There are even more definitive portions, like 1 Corinthians 13 that tells us all about real love. But I don’t know if there are any more tender passages than this one. It says any tear that I cry is known by God. Not just known by Him, He is near enough to me at those times to capture that tear, chronicle it and remove it from me. This is a tremendous passage.
SURVIVAL TIP: No tear is wasted: Show it.
Lachrymatory
Have you ever heard of a lachrymatory? It is also called a ‘tear bottle.’ No one knows for sure how far back tear bottles date, but some believe this psalm indicates they were in use in King David’s day.
Tear bottles have been found in ancient Roman tombs. As mourners would follow the body of a loved one to its tomb they would carry these small, glass vials and collect their tears along the way. The bottle was then left inside the tomb in tribute to their devotion for their departed loved one.
We also know of lachrymatories being used during the U.S. Civil War. Stories of soldiers leaving their wives or new brides with a tear bottle can be found in literature of the day. Some husbands are said to have hoped that the bottles would be full upon their return, as an indication of their wives devotion. Sadly, many of these men never made it back home. Historical references also indicate that tears were saved as a remembrance of loved ones or to pass along to future generations.
§ God keeps it bottled up, so you don’t have to.
Of course, the prerequisite for this promise of God’s tenderness and nearness is the shedding of tears. Scripture says we are to weep with those who what? With those who weep. (Romans 12:15) Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) To receive the comfort, we have to let it go.
Don’t hold back and don’t be ashamed to show grief. It’s good for you.
The value of tears
I believe this verse also tells us that there is a value to every tear that we cry. Why else would God carefully bottle each one? There is a value that we don’t understand.
Psalm 126:5-6 (NKJV)
5 Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy. 6 He who continually goes forth weeping, Bearing seed for sowing, Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, Bringing his sheaves with him.
In heaven, you will be ushered into a spiritual garden that is green and lush and ripe and full for you to enjoy for all eternity. It is a garden that is watered by your tears.
SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t grieve alone: Share it.
In this verse, David is sharing his tears, sharing his grief. We must too. We share our grief with God, first of all. We are also to share our grief with other people.
We are called to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal. 6:2) We are told to “comfort each other.” (1 Thess. 5:11) We are to “weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15) You may think you are saving someone else by not sharing your grief with them, but you’re not. Grief is something that is to be shared. If you don’t share it, it doesn’t fulfill its purpose.
As a pastor I have sure seen the value of funerals and memorials for sharing grief and loss one with another. It is powerful.
§ It’s not just for you.
As in the story I shared, God will use your grief and the comfort you receive, to touch others. Jesus is our ultimate example of sharing grief.
Isaiah 53:3-4 (NKJV)
3 He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 4 Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted.
Jesus chose to experience grief so that He could share it with you. He is a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. He has borne your griefs and carried your sorrows.
SURVIVAL TIP: God’s got it covered: Shelve it.
This is not intended to sound unfeeling or insensitive. Quite the opposite.
A view of eternity
Catch this picture: In times of grief, God comes near to tenderly catch every tear in His bottle. As He bottles those tears, He takes guardianship. You can trust Him with them. He won’t spill a single drop.
Now, in His bottle, He can remove those tears and that grief from you. It won’t be far. He doesn’t get rid of them. He carefully bottles them. He’s got a special place for them. They are on His shelf. You’ve got to trust Him.
When you get to heaven, you can sit down with Jesus and He will place before you a number of bottles. He will take them one at a time and say, “In this bottle are the tears from the time when your puppy died. Remember that? You were so grieved and I grieved with you because I am acquainted with grief. Here are those tears.”
And you will see in every case that you were tenderly cared for. He will show you what good purpose those tears served.
There may be some times when He says, “These tears were because of a wrong that you suffered. Someone else wrongly caused these tears. I will now exact payment for these tears, for ‘“Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”’” (Rom. 12:19, Heb. 10:30) We can trust Him. You don’t want to cause someone else’s tears and be on the wrong side of that equation.
In the here and now
That’s in heaven. In the meantime, you can go over to that shelf yourself in order to help someone else in a time of grief and sorrow, take down that vial of tears and say to them, “See these tears? This is the grief I felt, just like your grief now. I trusted them to God and they are in His safe-keeping. He can do the same for you.”
§ Not to minimize grief, but to maximize it.
I don’t want to minimize your grief by saying, “It’s no big deal, just get over it.” It is a big deal. God thinks it is a big enough deal to bottle every tear. But, if you demand to keep your grief always with you, never willing to part from it or be separated from it for a minute, you may well drown in your grief. Trusting God and gaining separation from it when the time is right only maximizes the purpose and the benefit of your grief.
When it is on the shelf, you have control over it. It doesn’t have control over you.
Conclusion
God is at work, tenderly doing things we don’t understand in our times of grief.
When I came here as senior pastor over nine years ago, there was a family in this church who was going through a very difficult grief: the death of their son who was nearly twenty years old. The loss of a child is a difficult thing to go through. I have walked through it with too many people who are a part of this congregation. There is never anything that can be said or done to make it easy.
This family had lost their son. Not only had they lost their son, but he had been murdered. He had gotten involved with the wrong crowd, there were drugs involved and he had been shot. Of course, this compounds the grief.
And then, when I came into the picture, this couple was going through the trial for those who were accused of killing their son. They sat, day after day, listening to testimony of what happened, and how it happened, and who was involved. They relived the horror again and again. Grief added upon grief.
I didn’t feel like there was much I could do. This couple hadn’t been an overly active part of the church and hadn’t made a lot of friends at the church. At first, I didn’t know them all that well. What could I do? All I could do was sit with them. So I did. Every opportunity I had I went down to the courtroom and sat there beside them. I felt some of their grief, but only a small fraction.
When the trial was over, they were even more withdrawn than ever. They were so hurt, especially her. How could they function? How could they go on with life when their life had been altered so much? We had some conversations, but they had a lot more questions than I had answers. I listened and I cared, but I didn’t fix anything.
I tried to keep contact with them. Sometimes they would come around church, sometimes they wouldn’t. When they did I tried to reach out to them because no one else knew the situation. No one had relationship with them.
It took some time. At first, there was no desire to move on in any way. That was understandable. Then there were the questions, “Can we ever move on?” Questions are good. It was the first sign of life. The ‘can we ever’ questions then became the ‘how can we’ questions. From possibility to process. Good. Step by step.
After a time I saw them beginning to reach out and make friends here at church. They began going to smaller group gatherings that were available. They were still hurting, but they were starting to breathe again. People began to know them, and like them. They are a wonderful couple with a lot to offer.
I remember the day – it was a huge step – when they said they wanted to talk with me. I got together with them and it was the wife who told me that through the recovery of this great grief there had been people there who had helped them get through what they had gone through. The ones who were most beneficial to them were those who had also lost children in tragic circumstances. It wasn’t even that they had any particular wisdom or knowledge that anyone else had, but they had been through it themselves. Just being with them, seeing that they had made it, was what kept this couple going.
The wife continued, “We want you to know that if there is ever anyone here at the church that is in a similar circumstance, we want to be available to meet with them and be a support to them. We understand.” This was the step out of darkness and into sunlight for them: from grieving to relieving the grief of others.
This couple began serving in many ways, not hiding in their grief but pouring out to others in relationship and in sharing the good news of God, Who was faithful to them in their time of grief. I watched them bloom beautifully.
They had to move away, unfortunately, but have continued to bloom in the new city and the new church where God has placed them. We still keep in touch. They still come around when they are in town. They are thriving, not just surviving. They are a part of church leadership, leading to potential full-time ministry. Last year they went to Israel and were a part of the International Foursquare Convention in Jerusalem.
Everyone deals with times of grief
Grief is something that is very personal and individual, and yet, at the same time, is something that we all have in common. Grieving is a part of life.
*** Video clip: gravestones ***
watch clip
Let me read you a particular passage in scripture about God and our grief. It is in the book of psalms, written by David.
Psalm 56:1-9 (NKJV)
1 To the Chief Musician. Set to “The Silent Dove in Distant Lands.” a Michtam of David When the Philistines Captured Him in Gath. Be merciful to me, O God, for man would swallow me up; Fighting all day he oppresses me. 2 My enemies would hound me all day, For there are many who fight against me, O Most High. 3 Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. 4 In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? 5 All day they twist my words; All their thoughts are against me for evil. 6 They gather together, They hide, they mark my steps, When they lie in wait for my life. 7 Shall they escape by iniquity? In anger cast down the peoples, O God! 8 You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? 9 When I cry out to You, Then my enemies will turn back; This I know, because God is for me.
Now, let’s read together verse 8, on the top of your outlines:
Psalm 56:8 (NKJV)
8 You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?
What can we make from this passage, especially from this phrase, “(You) put my tears in Your bottle?”
TEARS IN A BOTTLE
I think this is one of the most tender portions of the Bible that speaks of God’s love. There are more direct portions, like where it says “God is love.” There are even more definitive portions, like 1 Corinthians 13 that tells us all about real love. But I don’t know if there are any more tender passages than this one. It says any tear that I cry is known by God. Not just known by Him, He is near enough to me at those times to capture that tear, chronicle it and remove it from me. This is a tremendous passage.
SURVIVAL TIP: No tear is wasted: Show it.
Lachrymatory
Have you ever heard of a lachrymatory? It is also called a ‘tear bottle.’ No one knows for sure how far back tear bottles date, but some believe this psalm indicates they were in use in King David’s day.
Tear bottles have been found in ancient Roman tombs. As mourners would follow the body of a loved one to its tomb they would carry these small, glass vials and collect their tears along the way. The bottle was then left inside the tomb in tribute to their devotion for their departed loved one.
We also know of lachrymatories being used during the U.S. Civil War. Stories of soldiers leaving their wives or new brides with a tear bottle can be found in literature of the day. Some husbands are said to have hoped that the bottles would be full upon their return, as an indication of their wives devotion. Sadly, many of these men never made it back home. Historical references also indicate that tears were saved as a remembrance of loved ones or to pass along to future generations.
§ God keeps it bottled up, so you don’t have to.
Of course, the prerequisite for this promise of God’s tenderness and nearness is the shedding of tears. Scripture says we are to weep with those who what? With those who weep. (Romans 12:15) Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) To receive the comfort, we have to let it go.
Don’t hold back and don’t be ashamed to show grief. It’s good for you.
The value of tears
I believe this verse also tells us that there is a value to every tear that we cry. Why else would God carefully bottle each one? There is a value that we don’t understand.
Psalm 126:5-6 (NKJV)
5 Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy. 6 He who continually goes forth weeping, Bearing seed for sowing, Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, Bringing his sheaves with him.
In heaven, you will be ushered into a spiritual garden that is green and lush and ripe and full for you to enjoy for all eternity. It is a garden that is watered by your tears.
SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t grieve alone: Share it.
In this verse, David is sharing his tears, sharing his grief. We must too. We share our grief with God, first of all. We are also to share our grief with other people.
We are called to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal. 6:2) We are told to “comfort each other.” (1 Thess. 5:11) We are to “weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15) You may think you are saving someone else by not sharing your grief with them, but you’re not. Grief is something that is to be shared. If you don’t share it, it doesn’t fulfill its purpose.
As a pastor I have sure seen the value of funerals and memorials for sharing grief and loss one with another. It is powerful.
§ It’s not just for you.
As in the story I shared, God will use your grief and the comfort you receive, to touch others. Jesus is our ultimate example of sharing grief.
Isaiah 53:3-4 (NKJV)
3 He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 4 Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted.
Jesus chose to experience grief so that He could share it with you. He is a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. He has borne your griefs and carried your sorrows.
SURVIVAL TIP: God’s got it covered: Shelve it.
This is not intended to sound unfeeling or insensitive. Quite the opposite.
A view of eternity
Catch this picture: In times of grief, God comes near to tenderly catch every tear in His bottle. As He bottles those tears, He takes guardianship. You can trust Him with them. He won’t spill a single drop.
Now, in His bottle, He can remove those tears and that grief from you. It won’t be far. He doesn’t get rid of them. He carefully bottles them. He’s got a special place for them. They are on His shelf. You’ve got to trust Him.
When you get to heaven, you can sit down with Jesus and He will place before you a number of bottles. He will take them one at a time and say, “In this bottle are the tears from the time when your puppy died. Remember that? You were so grieved and I grieved with you because I am acquainted with grief. Here are those tears.”
And you will see in every case that you were tenderly cared for. He will show you what good purpose those tears served.
There may be some times when He says, “These tears were because of a wrong that you suffered. Someone else wrongly caused these tears. I will now exact payment for these tears, for ‘“Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”’” (Rom. 12:19, Heb. 10:30) We can trust Him. You don’t want to cause someone else’s tears and be on the wrong side of that equation.
In the here and now
That’s in heaven. In the meantime, you can go over to that shelf yourself in order to help someone else in a time of grief and sorrow, take down that vial of tears and say to them, “See these tears? This is the grief I felt, just like your grief now. I trusted them to God and they are in His safe-keeping. He can do the same for you.”
§ Not to minimize grief, but to maximize it.
I don’t want to minimize your grief by saying, “It’s no big deal, just get over it.” It is a big deal. God thinks it is a big enough deal to bottle every tear. But, if you demand to keep your grief always with you, never willing to part from it or be separated from it for a minute, you may well drown in your grief. Trusting God and gaining separation from it when the time is right only maximizes the purpose and the benefit of your grief.
When it is on the shelf, you have control over it. It doesn’t have control over you.
Conclusion
God is at work, tenderly doing things we don’t understand in our times of grief.
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